Tonight was up and down, its not as bad as i thought it was going to be. I was annoyed at our other team and stuff, but other than that i was ok, but i did text him alot. He was so happy to see me when i got home and said he missed me lol well he actually said his butt missed me up it hahahahahahaa but it made me feel really good 
Tomorrow I have to do stuff, all the stuff that i didn’t do today. I can call my car co but the check won’t post till monday, but thats ok , i think i have a 14 day grace period, i hope so anyway!!! Or even 10 will be ok , but not 7. But i think i remember it being ridiculously long.
oh well Right now i am happy and feel that all will be well. Im always scared to leave mike when hes at home and go do something else, but when i do it i miss him and all but it feels good to do things.
Filed under: No More Egg Rolls on February 17th, 2007 | No Comments »
Thats how i feel, like grabbing PA and letting go. Im acting like a child. I don’t have a choice I have to go. He has to do work. He went to get his hair cut i hope i see him again before i leave but i won’t get my hopes up. Oh well. Same shit different day. Im afraid and get upset about the same things and im tired of it.
So i lost 4 or 5 pounds this week. Im very happy about that. Im eating right now. Smaller portions, less sugar, 1 percent milk, and im eating breakfast lunch and dinner instead of skipping meals. I haven’t started excersising yet, i go bowling tonight so thats like excercise, then tomorrow i will start the workout with the yoga ball and pilates band. Mike bought them for me and it came with a workout dvd. So im going to do that…. i just haven’t yet but i need to. Tomorrow i will.
My brother is going to tell my mom Ron is not invited to my niece’s, Willow, baptism. Well its called a dedication at this church. I don’t know the difference to be honest, im assuming its called different things for different religions.
I didn’t go to the bank and pay my car payment like i was supposed to. 
i’ll do it tomorrow.
Damn i have to leave in a half hour, and i have to stop at the tobacco store. I hate making stops. I like just driving and going where i need to go in one shot.
Its so cold out i don’t want to go outside.
Filed under: No More Egg Rolls on February 16th, 2007 | No Comments »
This morning was sooooooo great I went downstairs to get our coffee and there on the couch was a HUGE stuffed white bunny with a wrapped present and card in his arms!!! YEY!!! heheheh so i grabbed them and went upstairs and gave mike his gift and card, and we had tons of fun!
Mike didn’t have to go in to work today which was nice. He is working from home today though..i didn’t mind at all this morning. Then we ate and went to Al’s house to help him, and he started working again when we got back, and that bothered me. I was sitting downstairs lonely. So i came upstairs to sit on the bed, hes in the room next to me i feel a little better for that. I guess i just get too mushy when it comes to valentines day. I want it to be lovey dovey every second. And thats just not how it is in reality. Im sure it will be great again when we’re together tonight, but … we have to make cigarettes that means we’ll be watching tv which means its going to be like any other night i offered to buy him cigarettes so we could just be together and he said he wanted to smoke the ones he makes, so thats out the window. I thought that would just give us more time for us tonight so we can relax after a nice dinner. Oh well Im just very very sad right now. I expect too much always. Hes great to me its not that. I guess im just lonley on a day i don’t want to be. I guess i hold today to a different standard. All i want to do is go to bed, i don’t want to do anything for the rest of the night im so depressed. I know its exagerated, and i don’t know why thats just how im feeling. Its not his fault, he has work to do. maybe tonight will be romantic. I’ll be happier cause we’ll be together i know that. I was going to shower then decided not to. Maybe i should do my part. Maybe i should shower and dress up. I can’t wear anything sexy though because i gained weight and it won’t look good. Besides anything i have like that won’t fit anymore im sure. I guess a skirt and sweater will do…its something. I could go all out and do my hair, but i don’t want to do that he’ll know something is up. i wish i got my eyebrows waxed today. damn it. I could go do that. do i feel like being in pain right now though i am, thats what im going to do im going to get my eyebrows waxed then i’ll get dressed up
Filed under: No More Egg Rolls on February 14th, 2007 | No Comments »
Filed under: No More Egg Rolls on February 12th, 2007 | No Comments »
So i got my paycheck and it is less then i thought it was going to be its not horrible but its really not good either, i would say its closer to half then it is to 2/3’s. Oh well It will help though. I have some work to do, but not much at all, i just have to file some papers, then later des and i are going back to AM to clear it out. Other then that i have nothing. I drove mike and i in today, he has to come to amy with me, which im happy about because he gets to meet her. And i will like waiting with him and knowing hes there when im done. A rare treat. YEY mikes vday present will probably come in today I’ll pick it up tonight incase it snows tomorrow and i can’t go to ceramics. YEY i hope it super snows and mike doesn’t have to go to work on valentines day and we get to spend the whole day and night together that would be sooooooo perfect. hehehee hes probably hoping he has work!! I can’t wait to go away again this year. I love going with him. i really have nothing to say but im really really really bored, i was blowing bubbles, playing with the slinky, eating a cookie, prezel and fruit yogurt thing, ok so i ate alot this morning, so much for dieting goodness i suck at this. Man, my coffee is cold:(
Filed under: No More Egg Rolls on February 12th, 2007 | No Comments »
Well that will make you change
Never have i been so angry
I guess i have to crawl into my shell and not come out
I guess Im annoying oh well
Sucks to be me
Im done
Whatever
I’ll keep to myself more
I let him see all of my emotions
And thats not good
Now i’ll be fake
I guess thats my only option
No one needs to know how i feel all the time anyway i guess
Well i tried it
And i guess no one wants to know how im feeling all the time
Cause its not always good or the thing people want me to feel
So i annoy them
I stress them out
Its too much
And they’re right
So now i’ll stop
Im obviously wrong
So im done
Filed under: No More Egg Rolls on February 6th, 2007 | No Comments »
He left to go to masons
And i cried
Right as he was walking out the door
I made him upset
I don’t know why i get like this
It doesn’t happen all the time
I said i was working on not acting like that
But i failed tonight
I really does hope he has fun
Im supposed to go out at 830
But i don’t know if i want to anymore
I want to be with him tonight
I won’t be with him all day tomorrow
Besides the money
Thats also why i want to work 5 days a week
So i don’t have to be alone all day
I can be out and about
And with him is nice
He went to masons
And hes not coming back
Thats how it feels
Im so sad
I don’t know what to do about tonight
I guess we’ll see if hes done by 830
I have to make cigarettes
And besides
How many times should i write
That im sad and miss him
How many lines of that will it take
For me to feel better
Like i’ve gotten this empty feeling out
Overwhelming feeling
I know that im not being rational
So why won’t it go away
We had such fun together today
Oh well
Filed under: No More Egg Rolls on February 1st, 2007 | 1 Comment »
So yesturday at work we did the big move to the new office, i think it went well. Poor mike was running around like crazy. But it was nice to be at work, and i love working with mike. Then we went home, turns out our heat wasn’t working so mike had to call a repair man, we didn’t get home until about 630 or so. After that mike and i sat infront of the fire we made and then took a shower together, he made himself dinner and ate, we watched tv the rest of the night and i fell asleep. It was such a good day and night. I miss him today, alot. I was preoccupied in the morning because i went to pick up my check, went to the store, the bank then the tobacco store. Now i emptied the cat litter, and am on here, thats it. And i miss him. He went to lunch so i can’t talk to him now, i hate that. How pathetic is that. oh well.
Filed under: No More Egg Rolls on January 31st, 2007 | No Comments »
Well i went back to work for 2 days then now i have off today. I just wanted to stop in and say that sometimes i really can’t stand my mother and think she is a hypocrite or however that is spelled. Anyway i have to go to her house now but i wanted to write that before i left…get it out of my system. There now i can leave
Filed under: No More Egg Rolls on January 31st, 2007 | No Comments »
I’m very depressed today, mike and i have been fighting all morning and afternoon. I don’t even want to go into the details, my mind is all sporatic. But right now im left feeling like a faliure even though mike didn’t mean it that way. Mike says hes the center of my life, so basically now i have to make him the uncenter of my life. I have to watch everything i say or do and how i react to things. I have to act like i do not care whether he is here or not, working in the computer room or not, everything. I have to just do my own thing. He says i have no motivation, i swear he compares me to his motivation. I have motivation but it comes in spurts. We don’t even know if we’ll be together in the future if i don’t change. That is so much pressure for me to know i could loose the man i want to marry because i can’t change. Im not saying i can’t but what if i don’t what if this is just who i am…i guess who i am isn’t good enough for him. Thats a horrible feeling. He said i don’t support him and i said how don’t i and he said i do for the most part so now im all confused about that. How do i support him more what am i not doing. He said he put his life on hold for me for 3 months. Well i never asked him to do that and i said if you told me you were i would of told you not to. When i start making money again somehow im going to start saving up for an apartment, i feel like any day he is going to say he doesn’t want to be with me anymore. Thats also a horrible feeling. I don’t know why i can’t handle stress i really don’t. He says i make up my own reality this bubble of good things. I admit i do do that..it makes me feel safe in a world where i do not. Thats why i cling to mike because i feel safe. How do i function through this depression that came on right before i go back to work. Honestly what am i supposed to do. i touch my hands and fingers and it feels like me but why is it not….. or is mike just leading me to belive its not. I like who i am. And i guess i have to come to terms with if mike does not like who i am then i have to accept we might break up. but he won’t change for me why should i change for him. All i asked him to do was put things he says to me in a more gentler way, he said hes not like that and feels he has to walk on egg shells. So whatever. Who knows for all i know i could go back to work and become perfectly fine again. I cried over the news today. Its so depressing thats why i never know whats going on, i don’t watch it, i’d rather not. So my independance of mike offically starts now, if hes around great, if hes not, great. Hes right it is too much to put on him. I don’t want to be like that anyway. We’re going to a mason dinner tonight, i hope there is drinking there i really do. It’ll relax me. My anxiety medicine only stops the pain in my chest it doesn’t help my thoughts. Nothing helps my thoughts unfortunatly. I haven’t been to a pysciatrist in about 2 months, so i haven’t had a lithium level checked, it could be too low, i have been awful off latley. I think i want to shower by myself, the only reason i don’t is that i think if mike and i shower together it will be fun and help relieve some tension. But i really want to shower now. I don’t know i hate decisions like this. Well if im going to be more independant of him i may as well right? All im doing now is smoking one cigarette after another trying to not go down stairs and make myself a drink. There balieys and coffee works. My stomach is in knots….. i hate this feeling. And tonight i have to see the guy that flipped out at our house the other night where i had to go upstairs because it was so uncomfortable the yelling and cursing was so bad, mike took him home, and reamed him out about making me uncomfortable in my own home, so mike said he’ll be appologizing tonight. I dread confrontations.
Filed under: No More Egg Rolls on January 27th, 2007 | No Comments »
