Well i went to the dermatologist and they took a biopsy and gave me ointment. The rash came back as not specified, he said it could be from medicine or laundry detergent. Well i’ve been using the ointment and now the rash is spreading and it hurts 
shit balls, nothing is ever easy. lets see what else, oh yeah I HATE BEING BROKE!!!! this working 3 days thing is freaking killing me!!! im not even going to get into how bad it is, lets just say very very bad lol. Mike and i started geo chaching!! omg its soooo much fun! WOO HOO we did it in the snow yesturday it was sooo much fun, and i have a mr stick now too that goes on all the adventures with us! maybe i’ll post a picture of me with mr stick!!!
Filed under: No More Egg Rolls on March 19th, 2007 | No Comments »
I hate that fucking sound
Filed under: No More Egg Rolls on March 8th, 2007 | No Comments »
I am not going to let this ruin my day. I am not going to let this ruin my day. I am not going to let this ruin my day I am not going to let this ruin my day. I am not going to let this ruin my day. I am not going to let this ruin my day. I am not going to let this ruin my day. I am not going to let this ruin my day. I am going to calm down. I am going to calm down. I am going to calm down. I am going to calm down. I am going to calm down. I am going to calm down. I am going to calm down. I am going to calm down. I am going to calm down. I am going to calm down. I am going to calm down. The anxiety is going to go away. The anxiety is going to go away. The anxiety is going to go away. The anxiety is going to go away. The anxiety is going to go away. The anxiety is going to go away. The axiety is going to go away. The anxiety is going to go away. The anxiety is going to go away. The anxiety is going to go way. The anxiety is going to go away. Breathe Breath Breathe Breathe Breathe Breathe Breathe Breathe Breathe Breathe Breathe Breathe Breathe Breathe Breathe Breathe Breathe Breathe Breathe Breathe Breath Breathe Breathe Breath Breathe Breathe Breathe Breathe Breathe Breathe Breathe Breathe Breathe Breathe Breathe Breathe Breathe Breathe Breathe Breath
Filed under: No More Egg Rolls on March 7th, 2007 | No Comments »
I was dreading this time of day, now its here, and my heart breaks.
Filed under: No More Egg Rolls on March 7th, 2007 | No Comments »
So i’ve had a rough time over the past, i don’t know, id say about a month. I lost my balance on the tiny tightrope that i walk of mental stability. But it has passed. Im back to being determined and mindful of whats going on. Taking control of the things that are in my power and dealing with the things that aren’t in the best way that i can. I know this amazing change has only lasted 2 days so far, but these 2 days have been a breath of fresh air….and i am going to keep it up as long as possible. I realized, yet again, that i could loose everything i care about in an instant if i didn’t change my perspective on things. Mike, my job, my kitty, everything. I can’t let that happen. This will benifit me more then anyone, but mike as well. He has so much stress already, my excesivly bad days are the last thing he needs. Amy told me that everyone has bad days, but out of control days shouldn’t be happening at all. That kind of made it real too, that was yesturday. She suggested that mike come to one of my appointments so he can talk about how he feels and she can help me understand. But we had a little talk last night and he kind of cleared some things up i was confused about. And i felt better. So we’ll see how this goes. Have to start somewhere.
Filed under: No More Egg Rolls on March 6th, 2007 | No Comments »
Well we got into a fight about something work related…now im super anxious and can’t let it go. I asked him to take me home after work today because now im really not in the mood to go to Al’s house. I just want to go home and lay on the couch and be by myself. I never want to be by myself so i must be mad….hurt too. I tried to call my brother to see if he could take me home but his phone was going right to voicemail so i guess hes working…oh well. I feel so sick now. I want to get over it i just don’t know how. Maybe by the time he comes home tonight i will. I have to i can’t stay mad forever. I just won’t talk on the way home, i don’t want another fight to start.
I went over lynn and dons last night, it was nice to see them. Then i went home, made some cigarettes for today and went to bed. Mike wasn’t home yet….so i was sleeping but not. I rarley can fall into a deep sleep when hes not home…its usually a very light disturbed sleep, i can still hear everything going on around me and stuff. I wonder if he will be late tonight…. sometimes he stays there for hours…im sure they will have dinner together and i will have to eat by myself , if i even eat. Im still stuffed from lunch. Im sure lunch isn’t helping the sick feeling. Stuffing a cheesesteak and cheese fries down my face doesn’t seem like that good of an idea anymore.
I have off tomorrow and have to work on Dreamweaver, although it makes me want to flip out i have to learn it. Im just not focused or disciplined enough to teach myself and mike doesn’t get that. I keep telling him im having problems and he just says figure it out. I swear sometimes he thinks im like him. I don’t know, i’ll do the best i can, but im not good at stuff like this. He keeps telling me hes going to give me files or have me do a blog but never does. He never shows me anything at night either. I can understand hes too busy during the day to show me, but we can at night.
AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH everything is always overwhelming to me what is my problem. I stress out about everything, give myself headaches and belly aches, not to mention the anxiety.
Yey thats my day for today fun fun fun
Filed under: No More Egg Rolls on February 22nd, 2007 | No Comments »
Im doing my best to not bug him. Usually as soon as he gets online i say hi or something. But i didn’t today, i want to so bad LOL how corny am i. I have to read the book today and practice, make cigarettes, vacuum and go to the super market…then to lynn’s tonight. I can do it.
He im’d me 
a hour after he got in. Oh now its worse, i got a taste of it and talking to him made me miss him. But its ok, i’ll just read the book
AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH i can’t concentrate!!!!!
What is wrong with me honestly. It hurts so bad. I can’t even tell him how i feel. Hes at work and doesn’t need that. Besides he can’t help me. Its not like hes just going to leave work. Although thats what i just wish he would do. I want to drive up there so bad to see him or something.
Filed under: No More Egg Rolls on February 21st, 2007 | No Comments »
This blog must be so redundant. I have the same problems over and over, and mike and i talk about them over and over. And i feel bad because i haven’t changed yet over and over. Too needy annoying, can’t leave him alone at work, it goes on and on. And i get upset everytime i hear it as if i’ve never heard it before. I even talked to Amy the whole session about that. I don’t think he realizes how bad it is. But she did say i could loose him if i don’t stop. I don’t know what it is….i’ve never been like this with anyone but him i don’t think. Maybe i have and just don’t remember or know it. Damn it i suck. I have to leave for ceramics in 20 min. I guess i’ll vent to lynn. But shes going to want to talk about her job and i don’t want to upset her or take the spotlight off of that. I just feel like i have what i’ve always wanted and i never want to let him go and always want to be around him and talk to him. I know that may sound pathetic, and i may just be justifying. Im not sure. Damn bpd. i swear.
Im going to be alone all day and night tomorrow. im scared. See its that bad. Im scared about how upset im going to be, and that whenever im not going to see him at night i try to talk to him even more during the day and i can’t do that. Im scared, because of that, because starting tomorrow again i have to really try to not talk to him unless i really need to. Im so fucking depressed now. i don’t want to do anything, i don’t want to go to ceramics, i don’t want tomorrow to come….. i don’t want to be in this house, i want to go to the extreme and completly push him away because i don’t know how to do anything in the middle. Man im a nut case. oh well. i will like i said start again tomorrow trying to not be annoying or needy. i usually do good for a couple days, then i forget what im doing and go back to normal.
its only 7 i wish i could either leave or go to bed, i don’t feel like being around him right now i feel foolish. I don’t want to talk to him, and im scared. What happened to me.
Filed under: No More Egg Rolls on February 20th, 2007 | No Comments »
Damn today sucks, i guess its pms, thats what im blaming this horrible mood on. Im miserable and don’t feel like sitting in this hot office anymore today. I just want to go home, i don’t want to go to ceramics tonight, i just want to go home. But i have to, so i will. But i’d rather be miserable in my own house.
What to do what to do. Im going blind from reading stories, my eyes need a break for a bit. I wish my boss would just leave. Not that it really matters, hes not bothering me or anything. I wish i could sit in mikes office and talk to him, but a. im not allowed and b. mike would kill me because i wouldn’t shut up. In 45 min i’ll go smoke, i guess thats the next thing i have to look forward to.
Mike and I were talking about her, and he said he wonders if she thinks about him or has regrets or anything. I didn’t mind at first and was asking him more questions, but now im upset about it. Now im worried hes thinking about her all day. Its just because im in a bad mood though. It wouldn’t normally upset me. Right now everything and anything is upsetting me. Im so anxious. Fuck now i can’t stop thinking about him and her together omg im so angry. Her and the other girl. I hate her guts now and besides being a flirty asshole she didn’t do anything wrong. But i still hate her. And the lack of trust is huge. Now i feel like a piece of shit. Im making myself worse i swear. Once i get in my head theres no turning back, it just gets worse and worse. I want to cry now so bad, but i can’t do that at work ever again unless i really can’t help it because something horrible happened, but im not going to cry ever again at work for no reason, its so embarassing.
2 more hours. The lady in this office we’re sharing keeps the heat up to 80!!!!!! She left and we turned it down but OMG its so hot, and i wore a sweatshirt today cause i wanted to be comfy, that was a dumb idea. I’ve been in a bad mood all day, ever since mike made us late talking to the neighbors. I was anxious then.
Mike is going to a mason dinner with our friends without me, he didn’t tell me it was on a friday, and i said i’d go apparently even though i don’t remember that. So great. Woo Hoo. I can’t wait till he has to do something and i go do something else he wants to do without him. He wouldn’t even care. Its just me that cares. Its always me that cares. Im tired of it.
Filed under: No More Egg Rolls on February 20th, 2007 | No Comments »
