Being Home
Well theres lots to say
Mike and i had a long talk about the way i am
I may have lost my way a bit
Actually i haven’t really found my way yet
It was a rude awakening call to realize i could loose him
Im trying to change I really am
But it won’t happen over night
I think he expects it to……
Maybe me being on the couch somedays
He looks at as a set back
But i don’t i look at it as rest
There are days i do things
And its not my fault im not interested in things i used to be right now
I don’t know why im not
I still feel depressed
And i still feel empty
I don’t know how or what will fix this
But i have 6 weeks to find out
To become a stronger person
I guess i’ll start by doing the daily things
Ignoring when mike isn’t here
Realizing I can do it on my own
I say that
But do i believe that
Well i guess i have to start telling myself that until i believe it
Something has to change
Forget that he can’t live like this
I can’t live like this
But starting yesturday I made a concious decision
Part of me is mad at the things he said to me
That he doesn’t understand me
I don’t need him to take care of me
I can take care of myself
But im still going to save up for my own apartment
Just incase
So im not left stranded if he ups and decides thats enough
I hope that doesn’t happen
But i have to be prepared
I love him and want to spend the rest of my life with him
But at this point it doesn’t matter what i want
I can only control myself
I will be changing over time
Into what is still unknown
Whether he likes the change or not
I have to be prepared for
Today im doing laundry
Going bowling
Then to a mason event
So i will be busy again today
I wrote my sister a letter today
I miss her even more
She was in Maine before living there
Shes in Florida now
But since she is in inpatient i miss her even more
I feel for her
I really do
I’ve never done 30 days like she is doing
And i turned it down when i was supposed to
She is a stronger person then me
I admire and love her
Shes a beautiful person
And i despise my mother for poisening us
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