When Enough is Enough

Lets work from today backwards.

Today is my Dad’s birthday. Im at work, feeling a deep sadness and longing in my heart. Im doing my absolute best to not cry. I think once I’m out of work I will be able to celebrate and be positive about this day, as time goes on. I believe it is a cycle. First I mourn then I celebrate. I have to feel how I feel, and hold it together. This day at first makes me realize there is no hug in the morning and sitting on his bed bringing him a happy birthday coffee. Giving him a home made card and candy that i already ate half of the bag, because that was tradition. Staying home with him to take him to shoprite and dinner. His favorite things to do. Then again, I have to think realastically. Right now he would be in a nursing home. Not at home with me. He would be very ill and weak. Im dreaming of the days we used to have not what the situation would be now. It would be different and he wouldn’t be happy. We wouldn’t have all that i dreamed about before. Although I feel he is with me today I feel like he has died all over again. I feel my heart aching i feel the tears wishing they could pour down, but im at work, I can’t do that. I was looking at pictures of him over the weekend in Mike’s basment crying over them. I can picture his face in them right now. His eyes his smile his stregnth.
I want something I can’t have…and that is a hug a whisper of anything. My daddy with me . It is all selfish thoughts. Like I said if he was alive today he would not be happy. So I’m glad he is at peace now. I’m torn between what is best for me and what is best for him. I’m going to go through cycles today. Cycles of grief and joy.
I feel like I’m stuck in a place mentally right now, that has stopped in time, but yet the world is going on around me and I feel like i’ve stopped and am just existing. No one around me right now is feeling the pain. I’m sure at one point in the past or the future they have, but not right now, not this day. I wish I took off of work, I usually always do. But I have been missing a lot of time recently. And just couldn’t do it today, I would of felt guilty. Plus today I have progressed. I am learning to function through the pain. Whether I get work done today or not is a different story. I feel consumed by my feelings. But I also feel like that is ok, like it is a natural reaction. I’m not breaking down, and I am not out of hand. I am just being.
I’m going to print this out and give it to Amy. I feel like it is hard to express how I feel while I’m talking I say a little and just listen to her helping me. But there is nothing like writing to me, that is where it all comes out and I can communicate. I’m not sure if this will be ok with her. But it is something I can atleast try.
The tears must not come. And if they do I will go outside and do it quietly.