When Enough is Enough

What do you do
When you’re all alone
I wonder how bear feels now
All alone
Do you think he feels the emptyness
Do you think his thoughts are bleak
Doesn’t look like it
Looks like hes just fine swimming all alone now in the tank
But I must say then when Goldie died he acted very weird for 2 days
Now day 3 and back to normal
What would it take for me to be able to bounce back that quickly
What does he have up there in his head
Do certain fish talk to thier owners
Are there “chosen” humans
Who the fish share thier infite wisdom of the mind body and soul
Maybe they have the amost amazing life they lead all in thier heads
Anything far better then we could imagine
And then they die
Depending on the fish, but most pet fishies die pretty fast
And when they grow, and you had expected them to die already but they didn’t how excited you were and it made you love them even more because you were so proud of them and thankful
Wow that last part took me back some
My dad
Everyday i would expect to wake up and find him dead, for years. And every day he didn’t was like a new day. I won’t lie near the end, i became less and less excited each scare. There were just too many in such a short period of time, hope diminished. Reality set in. And I well got scared. I distanced myself. I was a brat teenager. I feel like as much as i was there for him and loved him and tried, for most of the time i was a schmuck. Not mean to him, not like that. But i spent too much time away from the house. I spent alot of time with boyfriends. I worked 2 jobs. I was tired. I didn’t want to go take him out as much as he wanted to go out. I was drinking and smoking. I would go in my bedroom with a glass of wine, when dad and i rented that house, the last place we lived. and just be beside myself upset. Thinking how to get through it. When am i going to here about it, where am i going to be. Lots of things. There were a million reasons why i did the things i did. But i guess what im trying to say, and that yes i wish i spent more time with him, leasure time, not just taking care of him time. I Love him so much I tried I will always love him and he loved me and hes not mad at me and he is at peace and i can come to rest and let go of all the guilt that weighs so heavy on my heart.
HHHMMMM… i think i need to take a step back after that one, smoke a cigarette and calm myself.

Oh and just a little heads up, it may look like i don’t write in here often anymore, i just started doing alot of my blogs private

You know, i was soooooo miserable and sad today and whatever but now that im home alone, writing, did my nightly routine stuck in some laundry, i feel much better. This works alot better then anxiety medicine i can say that. We’ll talk about the fucked up part of that later. on to bigger and better things

So the plan for the night was to do a load of wash then go into bed fall asleep early the same way i did last night. and that will be that… i should eat. I will try but i don’t think its going to happen to be honest. its a shame, that steak wasted. I feel really bad actually. But I felt more badly over the fight. So that bad out weighed about the guilt of the food.

I think its a good thing i really don’t have anywhere to go when i want to run away. because i have to stop running!!! Whenever we get in what i consider a bad fight, i just want to get in my car and drive away. And thats bad. So im glad when i get all huffy and get dressed to leave i stop and think, hm…i have no where to go. I mean i do, but none where i would be comfortable. So i may as well be uncomfortable where i live and then work things out.

I don’t know. i really just don’t. My meds are all screwed up again, and it will take weeks to fix. I just don’t know. One minute up one minute down One minute poitive one minute negative just like this mental illness fourum board thing i found. The live chat either helps me so much, or it makes me feel like shit. hit or miss.

Filed under: No More Egg Rolls on May 1st, 2007