When Enough is Enough

well i don’t know what to say. Im miserable, everything is going to shit and its not getting better. Everytime it looks hopefull everything comes crashing down. Im trying to make it through everyday, mike and i got in a big fight last night, he can never see my point or give a fuck what i think. I was upstairs crying wouldn’t come down for dinner, and he just sat downstairs and ate and didn’t give a shit. We got in a fight again today over icq. He doesn’t feel good so he has no patience and im depressed so im emotional. So we’re butting heads i guess. But i think its more then that. Im tired of always being fucking wrong. Im tired of him never appologizing to me or caring that im upset. Im fucking tired of it and i told him, but it doesn’t matter he doesn’t listen or care or think hes doing anything wrong. So i guess it’ll never change and i need to get used to being miserable. I took too much anxiety medicine today, im hoping it calms me down, but doesn’t make me sick. I didn’t eat all day or night yesturday. I don’t want lunch today but mike is going to make me eat. I lied to my pysciatrist and told him i was taking the risperdal even though im not, now i have to call him after hours to tell him i was wrong and that i didn’t fill my script and forgot i wasn’t taking it. he did a blood test and would find out anyway now i have to cover my ass so it doesn’t look like i lied. My mother is a piece of shit and apparently according to Amy is the reason i have these abandonment issues. I have no desire to talk to her, she calls and texts but i won’t answer, i want nothing to do with her to be honest. My sister listens but all she says is she’ll pray for me, which i know is the right thing and what i need to be doing but its not enough. I feel like i can’t open up to my brother anymore cause i feel dumb. I can’t open up to mike cause he tells me to get over it or that im wrong for feeling that way. I have no one to really talk to. Vicki won’t answer her fucking phone or call me back, so i guess we’re not friends anymore. i do have mike now, he does listen to me and cares so thats good. and frank too. Mike has masons tonight, so i’ll be alone again. Im worrying and stressing about it now, but i guess i’ll be ok when i get home. I have to force myself to do atleast one load of laundry all of our clothes are dirty and mike is sick so he can’t do it. Even though all i want to do is lay on the couch and cry. Its the inital thing of him leaving that gets me im fine after a while but the separation part is what gets me. it kills me…and then i am ok. Amy said its cause my mom walked out on me when i was 8….then all the other stuff she did through the years. Makes sense i guess. Sucks for mike. Im trying so hard not to say anything about it. Today when we were in the beginning of fighting. He said he was going to the supermarket during lunch, i said i didn’t want to go because i couldn’t handle the extra anxiety today. And then i wrote im screwed whether i go or not. he said why i said because i miss you and want to be with you if i go i’ll have anxiety if i don’t i’ll be alone and upset. he said i had no reason to miss him we were together yesturday. Well lets break this down. I didn’t see him friday or saturday sunday we did spend together and it was nice. Monday i saw him at work until 12 then i got home at 630 we were together until 8 when we got in the major fight….. he came to bed after he was done eating and we watched a tv show then went to bed, hes going to be gone tonight. So yeah i miss him. So fucking what. Im never telling him that again, unless i don’t see him for days or something. But never again will he know that i miss him. And i will do my damndest to not miss him. Im fine alone, and have to realize the only reason i get upset when he leaves is cause of my past not because hes leaving. so i have to train my brain. But hes pushing me away. He doesn’t realize it and i didn’t tell him it, because im sure im pushing him away too. But i can’t take it when we fight he can never even just say that he sees the way im feeling and hes sorry im feeling that way. It has to be you’re wrong. I’ll have to have a talk with him about it when he gets better, and after i talk to amy about it on monday. I need her advice. Because its funny yesturday when i was with her she said atleast mike is not like your mom and listens to what you have to say. Well shes wrong, and i knew it, but i didn’t really dawn on me how wrong she was. Granted here and there its not like that, but for the most part it is. im tired for applogizing when i don’t feel i did something wrong, its even worse when i feel like he did something hurtful to me. I guess timing is everything. I’ll just be the good little happy girl who keeps her mouth shut, has no anxiety no feelings, just go about my business so i don’t upset anyone. and maybe in doing that i’ll belive it myself and pull myself out of this depression or whatever it is. i know my meds aren’t right considering im not even taking one of them. I just hope my doctor doesn’t drop me. fuck it, if he does i’ll get a new one. The most important thing is for me to stay focused and calm and collected at work, can’t afford to loose this job. Lovely world of hanging by a thread doing everything im not supposed to be doing yet expecting to be fine. Gatta love it. i blame myself for alot. Not just other people. but i really am trying. Im trying to be happy and do the things i want to do and still be stable. Maybe im fooling myself and that can’t happen. But once again i feel like im dying on the inside. Theres no pill for that. No anything for that except time. God i wish my daddy were here. oh shit can’t start thinking about that or i’ll cry bad topic bad topic. Oh well i guess i vented enough for now.

Filed under: No More Egg Rolls on May 1st, 2007