When Enough is Enough

So i have decided that this weekend is going to be full of ups and downs, decisions and indecision. I went on the bpd fourm, i forget the name of it, and it made me feel better. So then i talked to the girl at work and she asked me to come have some drinks and crash there. That sounded good, so i started feeling even better. Car ride home i was confident and thinking i can get through this i’ll be fine, thinking of plans to go places and have people over. And a brief thought came into my mind while driving home, i had left mike a note on the kitchen table this morning. and when we were in the beginning of dating when i would fall asleep he would cover my apartment in cute lovey sticky notes…….. and my thought was i wonder if he wrote one back. But i forced myself not to dwell because i didn’t want to get excited there would be and get my hopes up and then there be nothing. So i got home looked all over, and there was nothing. I was upset but not as much as i would of been if i had gotten my hopes up. Its just one of those things. Im proud it didnt really effect me. i mean sure, i wish he would of that would of totally made me soooooo happy. But oh well, he was busy this morning im sure and didn’t think it would be that important. So now im here and thinking, i’ve made a few phone calls to people, have some ideas, now i will take it one step at a time. Make a decision about what to do when the moment comes, because i really don’t know how i’ll feel when the situation arises that i have to be with people or not. Because well bowling tonight i definitly have to go to and will. But i mean after that, all saturday and saturday night, and most of sunday. Im going to fight for my optimism and muster all the stregnth i have to make this not as horrible as it could be. This is a big test. Because I can’t be this way forever. I wouldn’t be able to take that. Or would anyone else. I can not let myself be this dependent on mike. I just can’t. I can’t have this fear he’s going to break up with me cause hes gone or something.

Filed under: No More Egg Rolls on April 28th, 2007