When Enough is Enough

Im trying so hard not to cry. I don’t know what im going to do when i go home and the house is empty. I don’t know. Im so scared and sad and i can’t even tell him, it wouldn’t be fair to him. I don’t want to eat i don’t want to go bowling i just want to hide all weekend. I thought i wanted company but now i know i don’t. I just want to be alone, stay on the couch till he gets home. I can’t function without him what is the matter with me. This is ridiculous. I need so bad to tell him, but i know that would be wrong. I have to control myself, it won’t change anything, the only thing it will do is upset him. And i don’t want that. I want him to have fun and be ok and not have to worry about me. OMG this is so hard. i hope we get to go home early…. that way i can cry if i want i don’t have to sit here and pretend im not hurting deeply inside. Im trying to call my sister, i did before but she didn’t answer…i hope she does. but no. oh well. Shit. i need to be in his arms like last night…. i need that right now. im crying fuck, that goodness the bosses are out to lunch. I can’t miss bowling tonight, its mandatory we pay for the rest of the weeks upfront tonight. plus theres only 3 weeks left. but shit i don’t want to go. what the hell am i going to do. seriously. i can’t be at work right now, i really can’t be i need to be at home curled up. It doesn’t help the fucking radio is on and playing sad songs and shit. Its horrible, i can’t catch a break. I need to tell him that i need him, i really really really really need to say something but i can’t. Theres no one i can tell, i just have to suck it up, get over my fear of not wanting to be without him all of a sudden somehow, and be ok and just be. But i know that sounds good in theroy, but if i could do that, i would of already. I can’t stand it when hes gone for a couple of hours, how am i going to last till late sunday. My heart is breaking. I feel lost. I feel sooooooooooooo alone. I feel like im loosing him. I feel like hes never coming back, i feel like hes not even going to miss me. I feel trapped. This fucking blows. Oh well right. i have no choice but to be ok, well thats not true, i mean whats the worst that could happen i’ll be severlly depressed, but im not going to die, unless he doesn’t come back, then i might. but i won’t think about that. he’ll come back, he has to. my brother called. that didn’t really help me, i didn’t say anything about how i was feeling. I don’t know why. I guess im embarassed. no 24 year old should be acting like this. i really need to get the fuck out of here as soon as possible. i have a feeling since the main boss is still here, and they went to lunch, that we’re not going to get to leave early. i wonder if an anxiety pill will help. I don’t know if its anxiety though, or just deep sadness, maybe both? I don’t fucking know. What can i say to him, that won’t show how im feeling. im calling him, i want to hear his voice. great i started crying as soon as he said hi. he said we’ll get through this. thats easy for him to say, he doesn’t mind being away from me. And he’ll be with people and doing things and shit. Where will i be. Here in complete torture.

Filed under: No More Egg Rolls on April 27th, 2007