When Enough is Enough

Im loosing my mind. Im so full of emotion i don’t even know what emotion goes to what thought or person or anything, i can’t figure anything out. There are some things that i am really bothered by about mike and i right now too. But im at a loss. Even if i talk to him, it does nothing because he can never be wrong. So is it even worth bringing up and starting a fight, when i know in the end nothing will change. Or do I let it go until the next situation arrises. Maybe thats how i’ll deal with it. Per situation instead of a long talk. Hes busy for forever, he doesn’t need the stress anyway. Fuck what i need. Apparently all i need is myself and thats it. Im alone and have to get through all of this myself. I don’t even want to talk to mike any more about it cause thats all he says, that i’ll be fine and can get through it. He doesn’t offer assistance he doesn’t offer really anything. He certainly doesn’t put aside anything for me. So i’ll never ask again. He does nothing i need him to do, so im just going to start not doing all the shit he expects me to do for him. Sucks that it has to come down to that, but i won’t be taken for granted and shit on. Its a shame we’re in love, yet now i feel like i can’t rely on him or have his support, i feel like i want to tell him nothing about how i feel or he’ll think im weak and not getting better. But i’ve come to realize i think he wants me ok by myself so much so fast because he just wants to live his own life and have me there for when he needs me thats it. Thats how i really think i feel, or thats how he makes me feel anyway. Every fucking thing is on his terms i fucking hate it. Granted im not saying he doesn’t support me at all or hasn’t been there for me, but now is a different ball game. Now its up to me. And thats fine. But damn, a little respect would be nice. Im not your fucking puppy dog. I don’t want to go to bowling tonight. But then again i don’t want to sit home and do all the dishes and all the laundry by myself either…oh wait nevermind thats happening saturday anyway. How do i not cry right now. How do i not flip out on him, how do i control my impulses. I have to i really do. Amy provided no insight expect to call the pysciatrist, hes not in but she said she’ll give him the message, whatever that means i guess i’ll get a call on monday, that helps. I really want a beer right now. I have 16.00. Im not paying for bowling tonight because it is 16.00 and i don’t want absolutly nothing in my accoutn. so maybe i’ll have a beer or 2 there. Fuck man , im screwed. From all angles right now. yet im still strong, but so weak at the same time. i don’t know what to do anymore. oh well right, everything is ok in life i just have to keep repeating that to myself. be strong you can make it on your own. No one needs to know how you’re feeling. Do it on your own.

Filed under: No More Egg Rolls on April 20th, 2007