When Enough is Enough

Im having a hard time today, alot of things have been going on latley that has either made me sad, angry, or anxious, and i dealt with it well. I’ve been getting better and stronger, and now today the battle is back. Im very upset and im home alone. I asked mike to call out of work, but he said he couldn’t. Fine. Then there was no one that could be with me and i’d have to face this on my own. For a while i was fine with it, then eventually i got very upset about it. I told mike and he just said i have to get through it on my own. At first that hurt me and made me soooooo angry that he wouldn’t want to be with me, he even has masons tonight and doesn’t care i’ll be alone when i really need to not be. I don’t expect him to give up his life, i learned that, but that doesn’t mean it still doesn’t hurt. I didn’t keep asking him like i normally do, infact i never asked him or told him to not go tonight. So thats progress right there. But it hurts sooo bad he wouldn’t want to just do that to help me. I guess we’re just different. If he said he needed me, i’d be there. I wouldn’t tell him to deal with it. But oh well. So i’ve been upset really bad for a couple hours, but now i realize oh well im alone, theres no way i won’t be, and i can either crack or be strong. So i guess i’ll be strong. It hurts so bad and is sooooooo hard for me im not used to being able to even think about fighting through something so hard, and now i am, so thats progress thats good. So theres alot of emotions in today and i guess we’ll see what happens as the night goes on. My goal is to say nothing more to him, when im hurt i get nasty and bitter and hurt people, and i don’t want to do that. I don’t want to hurt him. So i’ll just keep it inside. It will get us no where if i tell him he told me not to do that to him anymore, so im honoring his wishes and not saying anything that could make him feel guilty. But that doesn’t mean i can stop thinking that way totally. And its not all the time, its very rare latley. But im sure as time goes on it will get better and better. I’ll learn to take care of myself mentally myself again. I’ll learn that no one can be there for me if they can’t be. So i’ll do it.

Filed under: No More Egg Rolls on April 11th, 2007