When Enough is Enough

So its 2:40am, Mike is asleep, there is no one to call or IM. Im alone with my thoughts, the thoughts that are keeping me awake and torturing my insides. I miss my daddy. I wanted to put a picture of him up here, but i don’t have a scanner, i think mike does in his office but i wouldn’t know how to make it work with my laptop, plus i don’t want to make noise upstairs. I can’t remember that much of him, but i can picture his face as if I saw him 2 min ago. I get two differnt pictures, one of him smiling, he had such a big nice smile, his eyes would glitter and laugh. The other is of him sitting in a chair, with both hands around a coffee mug and looking down into it. He radiaded energy and feeling. The memories I do have are both good and bad. Unfortunatly alot more bad then good. The memories that break my heart. Once I think of one, the flood gates open and its one bad memory after another. Its so upsetting and overwhelming. I miss him soooooo much right now. I don’t know if its just cause its a holiday or other things that are going on. Like Mike and I. My dad met so many guys that didn’t treat me right or didn’t matter. Now I have Mike and would do anything for him to meet Mike. Just so he can see how happy and real it is, and how good of a person mike is. The would definitly be very close and my dad would of loved having him around to talk to. If we get married one day, he won’t be there. There will be no father and daughter dance, the one i always dreamed about. He can’t give me away, I can’t look at him when we get to the alter and look into his eyes and whisper i’ll always be your little girl. And then theres the whole issue with my mom, or lack there of i should say. Atleast when he was alive i had a rock, a parent, a safe place to go to get that parental affection. Now the only place to get it from is from a money hungry usless selfish spiteful lying women of a mother. Today I was cleaning my side of the bed up, where his wooden urn is, and i also found the 2 cards i bought him, I didn’t look to see if they were from his birthday or fathers day of last year, but they were there. And I layed them on the urn. So that is one of the major things on my mind.

The second thing on my mind is I’m almost positive my mom stole thousands of dollars from the insurance money when my dad died. My sister Michelle said when the check was given to my mom, if my memory serves me right, she said it was like 10,000. Something around there. Well I remember when my mom gave me a check… i lent a girl i worked with 1000, 1500 at the most. (Dumb i know, but she said she was going to pay me back 100 or 200 every month. I saw 100 of it and nothing ever since. Oh well I would hope if a friend had enough money to spare and I was in a bad spot they would help. But oh well anyway… so that was that money. Then I paid for a security deposit on the apartment, which I split with my roomate. Lets estimate high on this one just incase I bought a few things for the house, so we’ll say 2000 (and i think that is way high) Then I was out of money. So at the most I got 3,500. When Michele and I were talking about it she kinda hinted that she didn’t know why I had money problems or something, and then told me how much the insurance money was for. I wrote her back saying I never saw even half of that. She said she would look into it if i wanted. I didn’t get back to her about that. I confronted my mom and she of course denied it. But its really eating away at me now. I talked to my brother a couple days ago and we were talking about mom and money. I told him the story. He said it makes sense that she could of because when she found out I was the one getting the money she told him that she deserved all of it and I shouldn’t get any. When I heard that, I didn’t know what to think or feel. My moms done so much fucked up shit, im almost immune to it now. Especially with her and money. Then I thought to myself, hmm… lets see when they lived in long island NY, where I was born, my dad had an awsome job and made lots of money and my mom didn’t have to work for years. He spoiled her rotten with jewlery and fur coats, the best of everything. Then his company went under i think and he got sicker so they moved to NJ. He couldn’t work anymore, he was somewhere around his early 60s ish, had alot of health problems. So my mom had to get a job. She still to this day complains about that and says ” Your father made me go back to work” and throws that in my face, ever since I was little. Then because she had an affair, I was 8, they got divorced. She didn’t want custody of me so gave it to my dad. But somehow my dad had to pay her every month because i would live with her and ron sometimes. And every so often she would say to him what he was paying wasn’t enough and raised the price, and would say it was because of my health insurace that she had me covered on. She didn’t take care of him when he got very sick as the years went on, I did. And had some help from siblings. She wasn’t the one that watched him die a little more each day. The pain and suffering he went through. Shes not the one who had to put him in a nursing home shes not the one who has to still feel guilty because he fell out of bed one night and couldn’t get up so he was throwing things at the wall in hopes i’d hear him, but i didn’t. Im not saying she was never around, but 98 percent of the time she wasn’t. Yet, yes she deserves the money. Now im trying to think if i gave my sister and brother some money, but that still wouldn’t add up to 10000. I wrote commerce bank an email asking if it was possible to get old bank statements from a closed account even if i didn’t have the account number for anymore. I don’t have my hopes up though and unfortunatly that is the only way I could prove it. I would know by a large deposit. Its not even all about the money. I want to know if she would of honestly done this to me. If she would rather lie and steal instead of making her daughters life a little easier during a really bad time. I was struggling to get by day by day, as still now, Don’t you think she’d want to do anything she could to help that, and to provide some savings for her daughter in case of an emergency or for college or for her future…anything. Oh well. Once I find out if i can get answers I will figure it out and put it to rest. If i find out i can’t get answers I will put it to rest. But now since its up in the air, its driving me nuts. Because im already just because of the shit she does now, fed up with her and barley talk to her. And going back to the Easter thing, we’re seeing his mom and stepdad and brother tomorrow at 3, they are coming here for dinner. And mike and i are going to see my mom mom and aunt carol, and im trying to see mg and the family, but i haven’t heard back yet. But I haven’t decided if im going to see my mom. I don’t want to, but i feel really guilty about not. Because I didn’t see her on Christmas, or Thanksgiving. I just don’t know what to do.

I guess i should try and sleep, its almost 330. Although for some odd reason i couldn’t wake up today, I just kept sleeping and sleeping until 3pm. I haven’t done that since i lived alone and had nothing to do on the weekends anyway i just slept lol.. besides my cat is in the chair next to me snoring. he looks so cute hes all contorted into a ball, thats why he snores, his head is all weird, its almost upside down!!!!!

I wish someone was online or i could call this late. What happened to high school years where if they had a private line or shut the ringer off in the other rooms, you could call people at anytime!!! They didn’t have babies that were sleeping or important things to do the next day, young and full of energy that kept them up all night. I don’t want to talk about everything i just wrote, i feel better after writing it i don’t need to talk about it anymore, but it would be nice to just chit chat.

Filed under: No More Egg Rolls on April 8th, 2007