When Enough is Enough

I’m very depressed today, mike and i have been fighting all morning and afternoon. I don’t even want to go into the details, my mind is all sporatic. But right now im left feeling like a faliure even though mike didn’t mean it that way. Mike says hes the center of my life, so basically now i have to make him the uncenter of my life. I have to watch everything i say or do and how i react to things. I have to act like i do not care whether he is here or not, working in the computer room or not, everything. I have to just do my own thing. He says i have no motivation, i swear he compares me to his motivation. I have motivation but it comes in spurts. We don’t even know if we’ll be together in the future if i don’t change. That is so much pressure for me to know i could loose the man i want to marry because i can’t change. Im not saying i can’t but what if i don’t what if this is just who i am…i guess who i am isn’t good enough for him. Thats a horrible feeling. He said i don’t support him and i said how don’t i and he said i do for the most part so now im all confused about that. How do i support him more what am i not doing. He said he put his life on hold for me for 3 months. Well i never asked him to do that and i said if you told me you were i would of told you not to. When i start making money again somehow im going to start saving up for an apartment, i feel like any day he is going to say he doesn’t want to be with me anymore. Thats also a horrible feeling. I don’t know why i can’t handle stress i really don’t. He says i make up my own reality this bubble of good things. I admit i do do that..it makes me feel safe in a world where i do not. Thats why i cling to mike because i feel safe. How do i function through this depression that came on right before i go back to work. Honestly what am i supposed to do. i touch my hands and fingers and it feels like me but why is it not….. or is mike just leading me to belive its not. I like who i am. And i guess i have to come to terms with if mike does not like who i am then i have to accept we might break up. but he won’t change for me why should i change for him. All i asked him to do was put things he says to me in a more gentler way, he said hes not like that and feels he has to walk on egg shells. So whatever. Who knows for all i know i could go back to work and become perfectly fine again. I cried over the news today. Its so depressing thats why i never know whats going on, i don’t watch it, i’d rather not. So my independance of mike offically starts now, if hes around great, if hes not, great. Hes right it is too much to put on him. I don’t want to be like that anyway. We’re going to a mason dinner tonight, i hope there is drinking there i really do. It’ll relax me. My anxiety medicine only stops the pain in my chest it doesn’t help my thoughts. Nothing helps my thoughts unfortunatly. I haven’t been to a pysciatrist in about 2 months, so i haven’t had a lithium level checked, it could be too low, i have been awful off latley. I think i want to shower by myself, the only reason i don’t is that i think if mike and i shower together it will be fun and help relieve some tension. But i really want to shower now. I don’t know i hate decisions like this. Well if im going to be more independant of him i may as well right? All im doing now is smoking one cigarette after another trying to not go down stairs and make myself a drink. There balieys and coffee works. My stomach is in knots….. i hate this feeling. And tonight i have to see the guy that flipped out at our house the other night where i had to go upstairs because it was so uncomfortable the yelling and cursing was so bad, mike took him home, and reamed him out about making me uncomfortable in my own home, so mike said he’ll be appologizing tonight. I dread confrontations.

Filed under: No More Egg Rolls on January 27th, 2007