When Enough is Enough

YEY the eagles won!!!!! We went to don and lynns house for football it was tons of fun. Lynn and i finished a bottle of apple martinis and had 2 glasses of cream wiskey. I laugh so hard when im around them!!!! Pete’s mom died so its sad. Barb, his wife, is a very very direct up front woman and is hard for a person like me to take, i get offended easily and intimidated, but maybe meeting her and if im around her more it will help me be more comfortable with that kind of approach. Lynn is hysterical…. i have tons of fun with her. I will call her this week and see if she wants to go bowling.

Im getting better with being alone. I think being home all day has helped me with that alot. I am forced to be alone, without mike, and get by. I have no choice but to be ok. I am thankful for this time off. It gives me time to learn how to do this. I dread and am excited for the day i go back. Mike will look at me better when i go back. Right now i think he looks at me as a slacker of some sort. But he can’t say that when im working. I gave him 400 this paycheck, even though that should of been money towards my car insurance. I think i will give him that every paycheck when i go back to work. I have to contribute something. He is sturggling and anyway i can help is a good thing. I wish i didn’t have to go back to work. Im so much healtier when i don’t. But we can’t afford me not working. No doctor will say i still need to be out on disability, plus i wouldn’t do that to my job.

I haven’t written much mostly because nothing goes on. I watch the same tv shows every day and do nothing more. I don’t have the attention span to read right now, im not on my add medicine so i can’t concentrate. Which reminds me I have to make an appointment to see my neurologist and get that. I also have to call atena and get a new pysciatrist. Amy doesn’t think its a good idea for me to go back to dr. grosso since hes the one that messed me up in the first place. I wish i could cause that would just be easier then finding a new one. But oh well.

I left my phone at thier house and have to go there tomorrow to get it. ops. well that will give me an excuse to hang out with them. Im still drinking….this time carmel balieys . its so good. once i start i can’t stop.

I want to talk now i want to write. I haven’t in forever.

I hope that when i go back to work that this break helped me. I hope i can handle stress. I hope that i will learn my job well. I will be going back to something completly different. I know i’ll be handling clients but i don’t know what else i’ll be doing. I get nervous and scared when i have to do something new. Mike will have an office now so its not like i can just call out to him and ask him a question, i feel like i’ll be on my own. I hope thats not the case.

I can’t belive i haven’t blogged i don’t know why. I guess i haven’t learned anything or done anything….thats sad. I don’t do anything during the day. I should of been researching learing … something. Instead of watching the golden girls and frasier. I feel so petty. I make fun of my mom for not getting out of bed and doing something. How am i any differnt, all i do is lay on the couch and watch tv. I mean i get up early and make mike coffee and most times stay up, sometimes i take a nap late in the day. I wish i had the money to bowl every day. That would be so good. But i am saving alot of money by making my cigarettes instead of buying them….. i just don’t want to spend money.

I am so drunk OMG and im still drinking what does that say about me. I shouldn’t be drinking at all with my medicine but i do every sunday for the eagles. I don’t drink during the week. Although i wish i could still smoke. But i don’t. I would have so much fun during the day….that might even make me want to paint. For some reason i feel like i can’t paint sober. I wish i could.

Mike and i, i think are doing better then ever… i feel so close to him. He has masons alot and i miss him at night, im better alone during the day then at night. But i feel really good about us. We cleaned the house together today, took down the christmas tree and stuff. It felt good to do it together. I know he loves me, and i love him. Although i think hes not sure if he wants to marry me. I think he thinks im not motivated enough. Which hurts but i guess its the truth. But then again what is he doing still being with me if he didn’t want to marry me. He signed more papers for the divorce so hopefully it will be done soon. I wonder how long it will take for him to propose. I know i wont’ know its coming…. if it comes at all. Why else would we be living together though. I dont know…. im confused to be honest. I hope we do get married…theres nothing else i would want. I know we would last forever. I would never want to be with anyone else. I don’t know if he feels the same way…he must.

i guess i have nothing else to say… i’ll go now

Filed under: No More Egg Rolls on January 7th, 2007