Being home
Well theres lots to say
Mike and i had a long talk about the way i am
I may have lost my way a bit
Actually i haven’t really found my way yet
It was a rude awakening call to realize i could loose him
Im trying to change I really am
But it won’t happen over night
I think he expects it to……
Maybe me being on the couch somedays
He looks at as a set back
But i don’t i look at it as rest
There are days i do things
And its not my fault im not interested in things i used to be right now
I don’t know why im not
I still feel depressed
And i still feel empty
I don’t know how or what will fix this
But i have 6 weeks to find out
To become a stronger person
I guess i’ll start by doing the daily things
Ignoring when mike isn’t here
Realizing I can do it on my own
I say that
But do i believe that
Well i guess i have to start telling myself that until i believe it
Something has to change
Forget that he can’t live like this
I can’t live like this
But starting yesturday I made a concious decision
Part of me is mad at the things he said to me
That he doesn’t understand me
I don’t need him to take care of me
I can take care of myself
But im still going to save up for my own apartment
Just incase
So im not left stranded if he ups and decides thats enough
I hope that doesn’t happen
But i have to be prepared
I love him and want to spend the rest of my life with him
But at this point it doesn’t matter what i want
I can only control myself
I will be changing over time
Into what is still unknown
Whether he likes the change or not
I have to be prepared for
Today im doing laundry
Going bowling
Then to a mason event
So i will be busy again today
I wrote my sister a letter today
I miss her even more
She was in Maine before living there
Shes in Florida now
But since she is in inpatient i miss her even more
I feel for her
I really do
I’ve never done 30 days like she is doing
And i turned it down when i was supposed to
She is a stronger person then me
I admire and love her
Shes a beautiful person
And i despise my mother for poisening us
Filed under: No More Egg Rolls on December 14th, 2006
So much happens, it is ashame. You are doing so much now. You get stronger day by day. So does your sister. Every day more strong. You don’t see the small steps, but soon you will see the huge progress you have and continue to make. Step by little step.