When Enough is Enough

Group was extremly hard for me today
We talked about the holidays
We talked about loss
I talked about my dad dying
My guilt and regret
The feeding tube
The retirement home
I think thats also why the holidays are so hard
Not just because i miss him
But because of all these other feelings
I haven’t made that connection until now
Makes sense to me
Atleast now i know what i have to work on
I did what i had to do today
Well one of the things
I went to walgreens
Got my Kolonipn hairbrush and cards
Im giving his family and mine
Thank you cards for Thanksgiving
I brought it up last night
But the group said that would be something good to do
Before i even brought it up
So i feel good about that
Writing them will be hard
Telling people that i don’t normally open up to
My feelings of thanks and graditude
I got them for my Aunt and Grandmother and Mother too
I don’t know just don’t know
Im feeling so many things
I just want to lay here
I’ve spent so much emotional energy i feel wiped out
Mike might go to another masons meeting tonight
I really want him here with me
But i know i’ll survive if hes not
And doing what he has to do is more important right now
I want to support him
So Im doing my best to show him i will be ok and can take care of his needs too
I told him I would need him when he gets home though
So we’ll see if the comprimise works
I have to get in the habit of writing everyday i get home
I’ve been dropped to 3 half days a week
Im going to go tue wed thur
Give up the 2 hardest days to go Monday and Friday
Although as hard as it is i wish i still went 5 half days
im worried my insurance company is going to push me out of the program
Im so tired
This is horrible
The way i feel right now is horrible
I feel lonley and empty
Sad and depressed
Worried and Anxious
All of the above plus some
I want motivation
I want to not be cold
So i can get off the couch and do things
I want my eyelids to stay open
Im sitting next to the fire now
Helping a bit
Maybe if i set just one goal for myself
Like put away the load of laundry i did last night
I feel like i can’t be productive unless someone is here
It doesn’t make sense
And now im getting scared about being alone all night
But i have to deal

Filed under: No More Egg Rolls on November 21st, 2006