When Enough is Enough

This is something i wrote in group when i first started….

The weekend was good but rough
The times I was alone I was depressed
And really wanted to smoke
Instead i smoked 2 packs of cigarettes a day
I realize how much i have to work on BPD
I have to learn how to take control
Like yesturday Mike and i got in a little disagreement
That i thought was a huge fight
It was right before he left for the store
I paniced and called him twice and texted him twice
He didnt answer and all i wanted to do was crawl out of my body
Leaving my mind behind
When he got hom I quickly asked why he didn’t answer me
He said he left his phone home
And he was not mad at all
All that worrying for nothing
If mike has masons tonight im going over my aunts
She lived with my uncle being extremly bipolar for years
And my cousin is BPD she told my aunt she would talk to me at anytime
The hospital didn’t cure me it made me aware
And im scared
Dinyel is going through a hard time with it right now
I hurt for her because i know the pain and torture
Its like you can’t trust your own mind
I promised myself I would do tae bo today and no matter how much i don’t want to im going to
I have to make positive changes in my life
Its easy to not
So im at Princeton House I came a hour early to meet with the pysciatrist
I meet with ann my consolor im starting to wonder if the womens trama group is the right place to be
I’ll talk to her about that
Dr. Mau said i might just get evaluated today then go home. I hope i don’t go home
Thats a long time to be alone
I’ll just try and keep focused
Do the last load of laundry and work out
I was just sitting outside for 20 min im freezing
I have to call sara and charity tonight
I don’t want to leave her hanging or her think i forgot
She doesn’t have anyone
Thats not right
I hope ann comes down soon
I forgot to give mike a deposit slip shit
actually if i went home i could type all the writings i did in the hospital in my blog
I still have to do that i think
Taking a break man that was a heavy group
I don’t feel like people listen to me because
Im young I don’t like this feeling
I feel like im too sensitive for the group therapy
I wish there was intensive one on one for hours a day
But that doesn’t exist
I can’t stop shaking
Im trying to relax I think its time for my prn
I feel like i need to call someone but i forgot my phone
Plus i have to start learning how to deal with things on my own
mikes right i should go to my aunts tonight even if doesn’t have masons
But i’d rather save that for a day i’ll be alone
SO i guess i’ll find out when i get home

Filed under: No More Egg Rolls on November 20th, 2006