Realizations
I realized somethings today while talking to a friend
I’ve become completly not independant
When i lived alone
I was so independent
I still was trying to figure out who i was
But i didn’t need anybody
I stood alone
Now things have changed that im in a very serious relationshisp
Because i am trying to work on myself
Yet work and care about other things at the same time
Trying to get rest and have time for myself to get menatally and emotionally healthy
And keeping up the love relationship and the house and work and resposibilies
Everything I went through growing up
Has never made me become an adult
I was in surival mode
I did what I had to do to survive each day
And mostly self medicated for that
I never faced it or thought about what was happening
Now I am in a safe comfortable atmospere
And all my emotions are flooding forward
Not to mention the chemical part of the mood swings
The irrational thoughts
And the Borderlind Personality disorder
Im fighting alot
When all i really want to do is grow up
Take time have rest
Get strong again
Set limits and such for myself
That is what i need
Im a girl of structure
I think if mike and i are going to work out
We need to know what we need and expect from each other
I think im going to try a different way of approaching the subject this time
Which will be much more benifical
But i don’t think he’ll like it 
but its what i think will help the most
Mike and i would have no problems if i was ok
My friend pointed out that im a high risk and a high reward
Thats true
I know Im good to mike i know i love him with everything i have
I know i can support him and belive in him and accept him
I know i can make him happy for the rest of his life
But
I also know if i don’t change if i don’t become my own person
Mike will of lost alot because no matter what he says
He could never marry me the way i am now
Theres still that chance I’ll never make it
But
This process takes years and years and years 1o or more years
But
If i show him and myself that i am progressing then maybe
Maybe i will feel better about myself
Maybe I will begin to get my light back
This is all talk but its from the heart
Mike has heard this before the only way to prove it is to do it
Now i have to do work
Filed under: No More Egg Rolls on October 12th, 2006
“Mike and i would have no problems if i was ok”
Every relationship has it’s problems. Regardless of ‘condition’.
You will always be YOU, just be patient with yourself as well. The best way to do right by the ones who love you is to do right by yourself first.
“It comes from inside, the wholeness of love, the way to rise above, the thoughts that waste your time”….
I love you honey.
Be good to you, if not for him, if not for yourself, for me
Can’t wait to see you!