When Enough is Enough

I am worried about

Not having my meds
Not being able to do my job
Not being able to do my job in the future
Loosing mike, fallling out of love with him
Loosing my shit at work
Finding a new doctor
Not having a home where i can rest
Being back to where i used to be
Not being strong enough mentally
Getting myself into things i am not ready to handle
Not being good enough for mike
Not being a good enough friend to others
My friend who needs help

well lets see
not having my meds is ratioanl because i don’t have them, but what i have to realize is they are still in my body somewhat working and if i believe they are working then they will

Not being able to do my job… that is an unrataional thought that comes from fear, i am perfectly able to do my job if i just focus and fight through everything

Not being able to do my job in the future… irrational thought because why worry about the future when i don’t even know what it brings. I can only do my best day by day minute by minute

Loosing Mike, falling out of love with him…. irrational thought. im just going through a lot of mood changes and personal issues with things, and he has stuff going on so that doesn’t mean i don’t love him just because we can’t sit together and talk all the time. Hes busy and so am i.

Loosing my shit at work…. rational concern. It has happened before but I also know now that i can prevent that And i do not want whatever his happening to me to take control over my life i want to work to not break down and to fight it.

Finding a new doctor - rational thought, but it is a task that seems overwheming to me but in actuality i can do it. I just have to do a little research.

Not having a home where i can rest… well i do have a home now, mikes, we are living together just not offically because of the divorce, but he clarified yesturday that when he said i wasn’t moving in that he meant that as a technicality, i am moving in just not saying so or having my mail sent there or anything.

Being back to where i used to be …. irrational thought all together, so i have a rough 2 weeks, everyone has a rough 2 weeks, I am no where near as bad as i used to be. And never will be again as long as i stay on top of things and don’t mess up my meds anymore.

Not being strong enough meantally… i think that is a rational thought, because i know im no where near what i could be, i break so easily, i break and then fight instead of just fighting first. So that is something that i need to work on .

Getting myself into things i am not ready to handle - that is an irrational thought I am 24 years old and can handle to work load and emotioanl load of a 24 year old, i can be the boss i can be in charge i can kick ass and go get buiness i just need the confience.

Not being good enough for mike. … all mike talks about is cleaning.. clean this and clean that thats all my life is other then the time i have to myself, whats for lunch whats for dinner…. you didn’t clean this yada yada yada…. thats why i think im not good enough for mike. Which is an irratioanl thought. I just becausse i don’t clean like he asks me to doesn’t mean im not good enough for him. I still clean just not alot everyday. I need a alot of down time to myself and i don’t think he realizes that.

Not being a good friends to others,…. i think that is irratioanl. I try as much as i can to be a good friend to others and to help them and be there for them, sometimes i don’t know what the best thing to say is but i try and thats all i can do. The people who really are my friends love me and realize im there for them.

A friend that needs help…that is also irratioanl….yes i can worry and try to help him but i can not fix him even though i wish i could. No on can fix anyone they can just help guide you along. and be there. But you can’t do miracles.

Filed under: No More Egg Rolls on August 28th, 2006