When Enough is Enough

I remember when I didn’t have the luxury of meds. I remember when i didn’t have the luxury of consoling. I remember the bad, the horrible, the torture, the pain, the fight, the addictions, the just getting by, the suicidal thoughts, i remember it all. I remember taking a handful of pills just to see what would happen, if i died i didn’t care, if i lived great, atleast they paid attention to me. I remember the non stop alcohol… i rember the non stop pot. I remember hiding and dieing inside. I remember hiding under my bed because i thought the helicopters were coming for me. i remember the rapes, the guilt, the having no self worth. I remember it all, clearly, when i think about it i can feel the pain and the horror.

I’ll never forget where i was since I was little.

Now, i am thankful…by the grace of God, I am still here. Not only here but living, well, on meds, going to consoling, having a love for life again. Being on the other side, makes you wonder…how did I do it, how did i stay alive how did i fight. Was it the support, was it the hope of finding love that always plauged my mind, thats why i followed him around for so long, i just wanted someone to love me because i didn’t love myself, i was happy when he was around, and wasn’t happy when he wasn’t. I was chasing a dream a hope ….. not knowing it was false hope.

Everything I’ve ever done has paid off. All the torture, was worth it. I am who i am now because of it. Someone who is thankful for every day that i am happy. Thankful for the rest, thankful he came into my life just at the right time, when i began the journey to get better. I didn’t do it for him, i did it for me. But he was there supporting me, being there for me. I love him for that. So here i am, i still have to fight don’t get me wrong, its not like im poof all better….there are times, and they are bad, but i get through them, i now have him and friends to bounce things off of, and they put me in my place and help me think rationally. I still have the BPD which is not controlled by meds…. its a way of living that you have to break out of and relearn how to live. How to think…. when mike and i first got together it was bad…I cried everytime he left my house. I was crushed and thought in my heart deep down that he was leaving for forever… i thought that every night and went through that heartbreak every night, thinking we broke up , it killed me. I can see where i have improved when he leaves, sometimes i am perfectly fine with it…other times i get mildly upset, and other times i get very upset. But i also have a big problem with getting anxious when i have to wait … for anything, whether it be in this case for him to get home i get anxious and look at the clock alot, but also even when i have to wait in line, when i have to get my meds and have to wait…or when someone is coming over…any little thing with waiting stresses me out and i have to concentrate to control it.

But its getting better, and i still have my little breakdowns, every once in a while a big one, but not like it used to be. The doctors seemed to have found one more thing wrong with me PMDD….. so a medicine i already take helps with that, they just increased the dosage.. all fixed. Just like that i hope, we’ll see this month. But again, its getting better.

To all who fight, to all who are in the mess of life, to all who are lost and can’t find thier way to the top, i am here to tell you…you keep fighting and getting by each day and there will be relief… i pray for all that you find relief and help…and can live the life that i have begun to live over the past year or so. It doesn’t happen immediatly and its a slow proccess but you can’t give up… life is worth living… there are beautiful things on this side of the road thats worth fighting to get to experience. I can’t belive what a change has happened to me from where i once was…i never thought it would happen…i thought i was doomed forever to hell that i deserved it. But i see now, it doesn’t have to be that way. Just remember there is always someone out there to help you keep looking find that person have a little support, you can take your life back.

Filed under: No More Egg Rolls on August 21st, 2006