When Enough is Enough

So yeah today started off great. Then i found out my boss was in a bad mood and i had a little problem with work i needed his help on and he was very upset. Turns out he was upset with the book keeper but somehow his bad vibe is being projected on to me. Im scared to death about getting in trouble. I dunno why but right now I have the worst anxiety.

I know in my mind there is no reason for it, but the physical symtoms are still there. I don’t know why it just won’t go away. I feel tension in the air and now im getting a headache. I can’t stand this feeling i hope i calm down. I took some tylonol,

Now kareem wanted to pick up the cable box today but i didn’t drive so i don’t have it…now hes texting me im try to call him lol. oh well nothing is going right. hes going to come tomorrow morning . So i talked to him, hes so happy and now has a family its crazy…his girlfriend her daughter, built a new happy life for himself thats so great…him and i both moved on and are on talking terms… thats awsome.

i feel a little better. I dunno…. mike is going out for lunch but im going to stay here. I don’t feel like leaving the office even though i probably should, i’ll drink half my coffee and then smoke i guess. Or wait until mike wants to go… i dunno i just feel so weird. I was thinking it could be because i have to do stuff after work today..i have to go get my eyebrows waxed i have to, get my prescriptions, and the only thing i want to do is go to dinyels which im doing, so it will be worth it, i’ll go to her house last that way i’ll be relaxed and happy before i go home…i call mikes house home because thats the closest thing i have to a home.

I wonder what will happen after the summer when mike starts having the masons again. If he doesn’t give me his keys and lets me go to his house i think i’ll just go to my brothers instead and hangout there till hes done, not my moms. that will be best i talked to him about it and he said thats cool, i can crash on the couch even if i need to!!! maybe i’ll go over there and clean the house one day just to help out…that would be nice…only if i could find the time or muster up the energy.

I definitly feel better now, almost sleepy like it took alot out of me or something. People are working so i didn’t want to bug them and talk it out, i don’t want to bother people too much with something that will pass, so i figured i’d just blog.

The world is a crazy place and sometimes i feel as though i get lost and tangled up in it needing someone to come rescue me, but in reality i have to do it. I have to sqiurm and fight and break out of the chains that hold me down on my own. that is the only way i’ll get stronger. I picture myself doing that…but my friends and loved ones standing by to watch as support. No one can make me better, they can only give support and love which enables me to fight and be storng and find the top instead of laying on the bottom. Day by day always, sometimes minute by minute. I don’t think about the future that much. I just seem content to know that i will have one. I don’t want to dream all these dreams, even though they do creep in once in a while happy ones, but i also don’t want to set myself up for a fall. I know what i would like but i don’t put too much into it i guess, i just think of the day instead of the big picture, its much safer that way right now and not overwhelming. I never know with mike….. things are progressing with us, and getting better everyday. But I am ready for everything with him….its a waiting game to see how it plays out in his life. He could up and decide he wants to be alone or with someone else…or not commit to me completly by never giving me a key…or it could happen after the divorce who knows. I don’t so i think and appriciate the day and every moment i have with my friends and him… i appriciate my family but mostly from afar. I dunno…just rambling…i love to ramble …

Its friday i should be happy i am …. but something in me is still holding me back… I dunno, i took my meds last night like a good girl, all on my own without mike forcing me to…LOL i hate more then anything taking my night time meds, but maybe with my new schedual with going to bed at 1030… i will get better at it. Right before i go up i will take them like a good girl and then go up and read and go to bed. I really wanted to go to dinyels last night but i was sooooo tired…i really was..its a shame but atleast i can go tonight…. see her i love seeing her… i will just focus all my attention somehow to the good of the day. And get myself out of this funk…thats what it is..just a funk…i can do it.

Well i guess that is it for now… i will write again in a couple of hours to see where my mood is at keep track of it. See if i flip it or stay in it. I’ll do my best like Amy taught me to flip it…. writing in my blog was one of the things she suggested i do, its harder at work because im slow with it and theres not much to keep my mind off of it. And it sucks i get most inspired during the day to paint. Next weekend I am taking a whole saturday or sunday dedicated to just art…and my painting. If i really want to persue getting them up somewhere i have to work hard at it. I know i can do it. I will have them framed or something or maybe i won’t…i probably won’t . I dunno… maybe i like the one i have framed but i also like them with out it. Mike says he will make them for me..but hes so busy…but its expensive to have it done so i dunno…as time goes on we’ll see how much i want to put into it…i’ll go everywhere in philly…. and jersey just to see if i can put them up somewhere. Who knows maybe my dream will come true and i can paint as a job…i doubt it but you never know.

Filed under: No More Egg Rolls on August 18th, 2006