When Enough is Enough

So today i feel no pain, im out of it, but can still feel happiness sometimes…but i feel like im high its very hard to explain due to the fact that i don’t really know why, i mean i do but i don’t want to talk about it really. Its a good feeling though, no tears, no aching in my heart, not tired, just so relaxed…. its so nice to be like this.

Damien is coming over today…im excited about that it will be fun, so i can’t wait until the day is over, im glad i get to see him in person instead of just over the computer talking all the time.

I wrote my mom a long letter about basically nothing…i was bored so i kept writing, so theres that and i put the check for the 100.00 in there to keep it hidden from ron …. then i sent a second envelope with my credit card money and cigarette money. I wonder what mail will come in and how much i have to spend on bills, i need to give money to mike to help him out..hes having money problems and i feel bad i can’t help him more…come september though i will be back on track i know it…so the end of august might be rough but september will be good.

i feel like the walls and my computer are moving … weird oh well lol…tonight will be fun, im really looking forward to it…hehehehe i think maybe i’ll be more awake then i hope..not that im sleepy i can’t describe it, and i don’t want to.

i don’t know why im writing in here, maybe because theres no one to talk to to keep my mind straight i dunno i will start work at 2:00 when im done my lunch break i dunno i guestamate on lunch …i guess when mike is done eating we’ll go out to smoke thats the only reason i use my lunch break anywa. I got fruit because i wanted it so bad and now i don’t want to eat at all. But we meaning him because i only had 7.00 bucks got me Hi-C juice boxes and i love it better than coffee all the time. But everyone that reads this knows how much i love my coffee..hehehe trying to cut back i guess…or too calm and lazy to make it.

I should do work, after i smoke i will for the rest of the afternoon. i can hear mike munching away its funny…heheheee…

Yeah so thats that i guess nothing else to say…. but i want to keep writing and i don’t know why…bordom maybe, i dunno.

ugh… i have an addiction problem, don’t get me wrong its nothing out of control , but i just know i have it and watch it and be very careful of it. weird to bring that up. i have no emotion right now, none, i feel so blank. But i dunno i keep saying i dunno cause i guess i really don’t sorry if this is a boring all over the place writing but thats how im feeling.

You know whats funny to me…there are people out there that buy xanax to get a rush or high or whatever it does for them…and i have to take it everyday…people would kill for that kind of presctiption… its just odd to me i take it everyday to be normal and other people take it to get high….weird. I hated the feeling when i was on too much of it…i guess if i didn’t have a job and just stayed home all day and didn’t opperate a vehical i wouldn’t mind, but its dangerous. It scares me what if i turn into one of those people, what if i get addicted to it. What if i start taking it when i don’t need it…i mean more than one a day…. what then…what if i loose my self control..i do have an addictive personalitly…. oh well i’ll if i do, i’ll learn the hard way not to do it…and if i don’t i’ll be very proud of myself, so it is my choice which direction to take, i don’t want to mess with the balance and happiness that i have i really don’t…. so i will fight the battle … which battle i don’t know..but either way i will fight. Thank goodness the day is almost over 2 and a half hour to go, then right home no stopping, we did food shopping during lunch for dinner tonight and stuff ….so we can just go home and i can clean and i can do all of that…. it will be fun….im excited.

I guess that is it for today..no more to say i feel like keeping my secrets inside.

Filed under: No More Egg Rolls on August 15th, 2006