When Enough is Enough

my mom just called me and i don’t know if it is because im tired and stressed out, but she just annoyed the shit out of me…. I can’t think about moving and packing at work, that is my goal and she just called to talk about it and kept asking me about what tables im keeping and things like that. I told her i didn’t want to think about it right now, that i would tonight. Annoying. Anyway… she started the conversation off with all her aliments and what hurt her and all this and that…ugghhh….ok it is over no need to be agitated anymore.
Im at work, trying to space out my work, once again. Soon I will be very busy, but not just yet. So im taking the break right now and being thankful for it. hehehee….
I had a good night last night. I was alone at my apartment completly, since cat is at Mike’s now. I did well i didn’t get depressed or anything and accomplished almost everything i wanted to. I still have a lot more to do, but im definitly going to take off of work on Thursday to finish, i won’t have a choice. But I’m feeling well today, although tired, i normally get a lot more sleep then i did last night, we stayed up until 1am to wathch 24…Love that show….great ending for the season…OMG can’t wait until January heheeee….then we went to bed, and then at like 230 somehow woke up and messed around. I think Mike was half asleep and we both don’t know how it started LOL. But it was a nice suprise. I’m shaking an awful lot today…i spilled sugar all over the place trying to pour it on a spoon….thats how bad it was. Im trying to pace out my coffee intake this morning…Im tired but i don’t want to shake more. Im sure its fine.
An investor comes to meet with my bosses tomorrow morning. I really hope it goes through, i would hate to see the company go under I really really would. I’m not saying that will happen but it is a thought that crosses my mind every now and then. The owners of the store in Marlton are looking to sell, they are moving to North Carolina…that worries me. If they don’t find someone to buy it, and they leave, I will have to go over there and be the manager again,….and we don’t want that!!! No way no how. I’m sure everything will be ok…ok no more thinking about stressful things.
I really don’t have anything else to say I guess….. Oh i know what i wanted to talk about. My appointment with Amy last night. I told her that I call Mike and ask him to come over when I’m really bad and having an episode. And that he told me that it was an inconvience at time, and she said that he is right. It is an inconvience and it will wear him out and push him away. She said it was the Borderline Personality Disorder. She said I would do that to my friends too, and that I need to learn how to deal with it on my own instead of calling for help. Amy wants me to make a list up of over 10 things that I can do when I’m alone to calm down when I feel scared. So i will do that, she also told me to read my book on borderline…to relearn what the disease is about. I read it before, but i will read it this time from beginning to end. I have it at my mom’s i thought i packed it for good, but i didn’t. So I will try what she said….I called Mike and told him what amy thought and that I was sorry for those times when I did that to him. She said I need to control my impulses by doing other things….instead of picking up the phone. I will try my best. Although, now im never going to be alone…cause of being at my mom’s and Mikes. But it will help me be able to “be alone” while Mike works, I will stop having to go up and say hi every 20 minutes or icq him when im downstairs and he is upstairs… I will have my art things at mikes and that will help me a lot. I will get back into that and it will help greatly. I don’t know if i can think of more than 10 things to do , but i will try. So….atleast now i know what Mike should be doing….. and what i should and need to do. I knew it was the borderline but I didn’t know the right way to handle it or control it. And all this time i felt like Mike wasn’t being there for me when I needed him. I was wrong. I should of never put those demands on him. Although I never did it on purpose, I just felt so paniced and didn’t know what else to do . But our relationship will be better because of this….and most importantly I will be better because of this. So thats that…now i will do some work.

Filed under: No More Egg Rolls on May 23rd, 2006