When Enough is Enough

There is so much to say but i don’t want to say any of it right now, or yesturday either apparently. .
I came in here anyway hoping it would change my mind. Lets see, lets start with whats on my mind right this very moment. Work. i don’t want to go . Thats a pretty overwhelming thought at this point that there is no need to talk about for a hour according to some. Maybe hes right, part of me tells me he is part of me tells me its too harsh. I need to talk to amy about it. I need to see if she will see both of us. So thats whats on my mind i guess…mike and work. I don’t want these things ripping us apart. I want to know the right way for him to help me.
He lost 2 big clients and i don’t know how to help him. Hes very upset…. I will just have to be here i guess when he wants to talk and keep supporting him. My problems always come up when his problems do, i swear. I don’t know how he handles it. I don’t even want to think about it, i will make myself become a burden and i don’t want to think of myself like that…i can’t … but if i think too long about it then i will……
So i’ve learned from my cousin Donna on my dad’s side that mental health problems run on that side of the family too. Who knew. Interesting.
My heart isn’t in this but im making myself write.
Lets see, i get to see my friend Michael this Saturday thats exciting. We are gonna talk and talk and talk, have some drinks, i’ll smoke cigarettes while he smokes his pipe…oh boy. I asked Mike if he minded and he said no. I was so happy. Im so happy he trusts me. What a good feeling. I can’t wait to see Michael face to face…oh my its been years and years. Then we decided the 4 of us will get together next time. But we wanted to hang out by ourselves first to catch up.
Right now im drinking coffee, smoking way too much, and coughing.
I had a cigar last night with a couple glasses of wine. The cigar was called Eillen’s Dream. It smelled great, but really had no taste i must say….but it was nice i thought for drinking because i was afraid either the cigar would make the wine taste bad or the wine would make the cigar taste bad, or both i guess…anyway. So im going to keep that in mind when im drinking. I had 3 or the variety pack so far. And i’m bidding on a lot of 10. They are actually the same 5 i bought just 2 of each. The auction ends tonight at 8 something. I hope i don’t win because i just realized i can’t afford it lol…oh well. I will make due i always do. I should write it down so i know when i want to smoke what and what i thought about them…like a cigar journal. I could probably work it right into my blog. Besides I’ll loose a piece of paper
Mike is upstairs working and im sitting down stairs typing away. Michael(thats what i’ll call my friend so theres no confusion between the 2 mikes) is not online, and neither is dinyel. I wanted to say hi, but no one is around. Maybe its better that way, damn it, im writing in here even though i don’t want to…..
Maybe i will go upstairs and tell mike i love him or something….just so he knows im thinking about him….im concerened this new business meant a lot to him. I did and he said thank you….
I want to make a phone call but don’t feel like getting up again to get it. Plus if i call my brother he will want me to come over and see the baby today and there is no way im moving before work, i feel bad about that but, thats just how it is. …it is beautiful out….just beautiful.. Part of me wants to be outside…maybe i will go out there. I’ll get dressed and sit outside and write……part two shall commence in a bit.

Filed under: No More Egg Rolls on April 29th, 2006