When Enough is Enough

Im still at work but i can’t stop talking, still hyper and got all of my work done that i had to do in the morning. I have some in the afternoon, but the kind I have to wait on other people for. I didn’t go to lunch with mike, he was going to buy a new shirt at walmart, but i thought if i left work i would loose focus and come back not wanting to do anything like i usually do. Although thinking about it now i should of went cause i did do all of my work lol. Oh well, so now im sitting here, i called everyone i could think of to talk, and emailed everyone i wanted to email…im just so chatty today.
I called and left a message for Amy to tell her that i’ve been having problems and need to go back to every week, going once every 2 weeks just isn’t working out….I hope she has the room to put me back in, if not i might have to do some research and find another consolor. My sister in Maine is going to one, and from what she tells me about thier sessions, they are awsome, and so much more intensive then mine, i feel like im not really getting a lot out of mine like i should be. I don’t know I’ll give it a little more time then see.
My brother’s fiancee might be having her baby today, and if not today, tomorrow or anytime soon really! im so excited, once i get the phone call im going to run right over to the hospital!! I’ll probably stay a bit and chat with the family, then go back to wherever i was. I’ll go back again when she actually has the baby considering it could take hours and hours and hours. I already have permission to leave work from this job if i do get the phone call…so thats cool!!! And the hospital is right by here. My brother is so excited, they both are. I can’t wait to have a niece! I already have one, and a nephew. But i never ever get to see either of them. My sisters son, they live in Maine so i only see them on big holidays. And my brothers first child from his first marrige, theres all kinds of legal things still fighting and going on, so i never see her. He gets to see her on Sunday mornings for a hour…I don’t know why i don’t go more, i think im just lazy and sleep in a lot, and love my sunday morning coffee time with mike. maybe i will start to go every other week, i can’t be selfish like that….I really should see her more. Shes soooo cute and looks exactly like my brother its insane. same eyes, nose mouth…..hair, she looks nothing like her mom. I don’t like that woman, shes crazy and was horrible. Thank gosh they aren’t together anymore. His fiancee Danielle now, is amazing i love her to death. So thats good.
I want to get married, i’ve wanted that for a long time, but after being with mike for the first time I want to have a baby too. Don’t get me wrong, i don’t want one now, but i do one day. We won’t get married for a long time i’m sure, then I want to wait a few years after we’re married to spend time alone together and such…then have a baby. I love him so much and want to be a happy family together. I know he would make a great dad, the only concern i have would be having to get off all my medication for a long time, i wonder about that a lot, how i would handle it. If i would get post martom depression (or however you spell it). Thats my only worry. i know i would make a great mom as long as i was stable. Im thinking too far into the future lol, lets just work on his divorce being finalized, that will make me happy enough. His ex got the papers in and he is going to read them and sign them on Thursday so they will send them in and then all we have to do is wait. Atleast the process is finally getting rolling. I can’t wait until it goes through and then we will have absolutley nothing to worry about. LOL YEY….no more hiding from his friends no more worrying about if she stops by, no more guilt. Not that i have a lot they are separated and have been for months and months…but still I will feel better when its over……I do already look at him as being all mine…but it will be that much stronger in my mind. My heart is all his and his mine theres no doubt about that.
Im so happy to be in love, its such an amazing feeling and I always want to sit back and realize it, and realize how awsome of a person he is….I never want to take it for granted….its a special rare thing, I want to hold on to this feeling for forever.
Oh boy he just got back to the office and icq’d me he got me 2 presents while he was at the store….see hes so sweet. HHMMM what a great thing.
Oh boy lets see what else did i want to talk about hhhmmm…. nothing really i guess i just feel like rambling, doing it on this so that i don’t annoy people in the office lol. gatta go get more coffee!!!
Oh yeah i wanted to talk about my friend mike that got in touch with me a little while ago, im not sure if i mentioned him before…but he found me on google because i come up for the PR person for my work…he emailed me and we have been talking ever since. We are at the same place in our lives, and it is soooo great to talk to him, he understands me very well and i him. Im so happy for him, hes married has a good job , and is taking the summer off to take care of himself. I love talking to him, we talk over the computer IM and email…. one day mike and i and him and his wife need to go out so we can see each other again and meet each others significant others!!!!!!!! I’ve known him since i was in middle school and would keep in touch then i would disapear, he would find me then i would dissapear…now he found me and im at a place in my life where i don’t have to disapear anymore. I want a close friendship with him. And it has already grown right back into that in the short amount of time we have been talking. Its so great to have a friend i can tell everything too, hes an amazing person and I can learn a lot from him, im so excited!
And dinyel is amazing, i tell her EVERYTHING, i think she is the best person in the world, i love talking to her, and when we hung out that wednesday i had so much fun with her and felt so comfortable, it was great.
I have desiree too, shes a good friend and vicki.
Im blessed right now and i need to keep reminding myself that especially when im doing bad. Maybe i will make up a list of things to look at when i get bad to help myself pull out of whatever im in…something i can keep on hand. That might help. Right now i need to think of things to help myself, instead of relying on just other people to pull me out of my depression and bad mood swings. I know i can’t help when it comes on but after it does or if it doesn’t come to fast and i realize it i will start to do certain things to either prevent it or make it go away. I will do that tomorrow. i have off so i can do lots of things, i wish i didn’t have to go over my mothers. I know it will make her happy thats the only reason i am doing it. I would love to just stay home and get done what i have to and then go to mikes, and spend time with him. maybe after my moms if mike is home i can go over there anyway. i know if i do go over on thursday it won’t be until late, he has to see his dad right after work, and then go to his ex’s to do the papers. But oh well, then we leave on friday to go away for the whole weekend and it won’t matter!!!! YEY.
I hope i make money tonight so i can buy some wine to bring down that way im not just drinking all of thiers. I will pick out some differnt ones to try instead of just the regular ones i like, so everyone can try them .
I need to get away its going to be so much fun!!!! HHMMM hot coffee yum, Its getting late i wonder if my boss is even going to show me today how to do what i have to do. I don’t care either way really cause if not today then he will on thursday either way it will get done. I’m waiting for dinyel to get online but she hasn’t been, shes either busy at work, or didn’t go to work today and isn’t feeling well….i always worry, i hope shes ok. Well i better stop writing this is huge!

Filed under: No More Egg Rolls on April 18th, 2006