When Enough is Enough

Im forcing myself to write in this, I haven’t been doing well, and i don’t know why. Could be the borderline disorder or it could be my meds. I can’t tell. I need to get my medicine today for the increase in focalin, maybe that will help. I made an appointment for 5 tonight to see dr.grosso. I normally don’t see him but he is the only one there today, so i figured that would be fine. I need to talk to someone there to make sure my meds are right or if this is all in my head. I’m so tired of being depressed and sad out of the blue and just wanting to scratch my skin off. It hurts so bad inside…… and i don’t know why. Im scared, i feel like a 5 year old and like im afraid to leave the house, afraid to be at work, afraid to not be on my couch with my teddy bear. All i want to do is curl up in a ball and cry. I want to be with mike so bad, i just want him to hold me but i know thats not possible. We will barely see each other this week. I don’t know if that is scaring me…… i’ve been having a hard time leaving him again. I am scared to be alone too…. i wished we lived together. Even just being in his house alone is so much more comforting and safe then being in my house alone. I don’t know what it is. I want to be with my cat and everything so i will stay home tonight.
Actually i have a lot to do tonight…..i have to go to the doctors then get prescriptions, then go to my moms for dinner. I think im going to cancel that. I can’t handle that tonight. I really can’t i’ll go on wednesday. Im calling her now to tell her. I don’t know if thats a good thing or a bad thing. Oh well i did, i said i would go on wednesday instead.
Im sitting at work, can’t do work. All i want to do is cry, run away. I have anxiety for no reason…the xanax is supposed to be helping that but it doesn’t seem to be working. What is happening to me. I was perfectly happy and fine for a month , now all of a sudden im not. I don’t get it.
I don’t even want to talk about it anymore its going to make me cry at work and i don’t want that, maybe i will write more tonight when i get home.

Filed under: No More Egg Rolls on April 17th, 2006