When Enough is Enough

Im sitting on the couch watching mindless tv im not really paying attention to. Drinking Baileys and coffee…. making the day go by as slow as possible before work. Its so relaxing but im smoking too many cigarettes cause im just sitting here.
I haven’t heard from mike yet…i texted him and asked if he was up…I guess not. I hope he comes on line today like he did during the week. Im so excited that he comes home tomorrow. It wasn’t as horrible as i thought it would be, I just realize i miss him and how much i love him. I’m not even worried hes doing something with someone or anything like that…I’m just glad hes doing what he has to do for his business. He can do anything he puts his mind too, and I love that about him. I’m the opposite I give up too easily. But he said he wants me to help him with all this stuff so i will and stick through it doing anything he asks. Hes going to need the help. If this takes off its going to be huge.
So I called out of work last night and hung out with my brother…drank wine and smoked, played video games and got into a really deep conversation about Dad and his other dad and about me how i am finding myself. We talked about God and his views on spirituality. I know what I believe I just can’t express it fully in words . Its more of an inside feeling. Its somewhere in the middle of what my brother believes and what my sister believes.. I have my own.
I feel like my dreams are coming true. I found the man that I believe is my soul mate and the man I truley want to spend the rest of my life with. No doubt in my mind. I have a good job, I’m making it. I am going through conseling and I take my meds which have made me more stable than I have ever been in my entire life. I love this feeling. Even when bad things happen they are not nearly as bad as they used to be or seem. The divorce papers are on the way for him, in 3 months at the latest that will be taken care of…hopefully sooner but at the most 3 months i think…..Just in time for August. We decided are anniversary is August 1. Secretly. Even though technically I guess it should of been later…but thats when we got so close and realized everything. Or I should say that I realized everything. He always knew I was the one confused and reserved and thats understandable considering the circumstances that our relationship started under. I went from loving him, not loving him, then being absolutley in love with him. I shouldn’t say i stopped loving him because i never did…I pretended and had to push the feelings away. Thats why they came back, but 10 times stronger. I keep thinking about how great it will be when we move in together…get married….i even want to have a family with kids with him one day. I can see that happening instead of totally being opposed to it. I’ve never felt that way. I was a day late with my period and of course knowing me I was freaking out…but realized that if it did happen, if we got pregnant by accident I would have the baby and we could make it work. I’m not scared because its him, I know he would be there every second and love that child and be a great father. I hope that doesn’t happen now But one day when we’re ready.
I thank God for everything and everyone that he has put in my life. I’m very lucky and thankful

Filed under: No More Egg Rolls on April 1st, 2006