When Enough is Enough

So my sister might be bipoloar and isn’t telling anyone but me. I want to be there for her. She goes to the doctor today to find out definitly and about medicine. She is shocked. I know how she feels and i really wish she didn’t have to go through this. It makes everything come together. If it is genetic, then that proves my mom is too, and that makes a lot of sense.
My medicine has been changing and i am trying to find a happy medium and i think i have. I’ve been cutting the xanax in half. I feel like myself again and i’m up and happy. I feel a little too happy though. I’m scared because i can never tell if it is real. If this is myself or if this is an upswing. I started Paxil as well which can send a bipolar person into mania. So i don’t know.
I think for the first time that i am a strong person. I didn’t give in to addiction. To be honest it was good and bad to be all doped up. It was easy. After all the anxiety it felt good not to be in so much pain. But the 2mg was too much. I was so out of it….and maybe i was so bad i needed that for a little bit, but that is not a way of life. I don’t want to go through life high everyday, or even not i don’t want my body to get used to that high of a mg…My GM at the restraunt was right im too young for this. I can’t rely on medicine to take away all of my problems.
I just got off the phone with my sister…I thank God for her. I think…i can’t even describe the conversation we just had…she really lifts me up and gives me stregnth…She is a strong person and i thank God he is so prevelent in her life. I am thankful my sister and i can talk to honestly.
I’ve lost everything a couple times in my life and i have come back and gotten myself in a better place. i am so lucky to have mike in my life. I love him so much and he is there for me and helps me, he is good to me and understands. He is a strong person and is very independant and i can learn a lot from him. He never looks down on me or anything.
I think i am going to tell Amy that i am ready to get into something deeper. I want to get to the root of the problem.
I’m done talking for now

Filed under: No More Egg Rolls on February 20th, 2006