When Enough is Enough

Happy New Year. Oh boy…2006 go figure. I worked last night at the restraunt….. but thankfully I got done at 11pm and was at Mike’s in time for midnight…had some wine he smoked a cigar we danced and laughed ….. just where and what i wanted to be doing. I have a feeling this is going to be a very crazy fast year… maybe work just makes me feel that way. I don’t know what to expect or if i have any expectations at all really. My only goal is to stay afloat and if i do better than that then yey..but if i don’t thats ok too. Dont want to shoot to high as to just be dissapointed in the end and mad at myself for not meeting goals that i knew i wouldn’t as soon as i made them.
I think I am sensitive…well i know i am and sometimes that creates a little problem between us. Sometimes hes says things in a way that hurts my feelings but he doesn’t understand that and thinks that i am being “silly”. It doesn’t happen often but i am working on telling him when it does then letting it go. Part of me wants to be misearable all night because of something stupid and little, just a misunderstanding not an intentional hurting of the feelings. I’m trying to be more reasonable with my feelings and yet not ignore them all together.
I am slightly hung over from last night…I didn’t drink any more wine than i usually do but i did drink quicker and on an empty stomach. We went to his mom’s house for dinner tonight some of his family and his mom’s friends were there. He neglected to tell me it wasn’t just going to be his mom and step dad until we were on our way there…but i did ok. I’m so nervous and uptight around them. Well around anyone new really. It takes me a while to get comfortable and act how i normally act. I don’t want to say be myself because i think that is a big part of the problem. If i do know who i am i certainly do not have confidence in me. I think the problem is a little bit of everything. Mike is himself around my family, I don’t know why I can’t be around his. They are very nice welcoming people and this is the 3rd or 4th time i met them.
I am exhausted and can feel that I am going to start to get cranky soon and whiny. I hate when that happens. I have to stop by my mom’s tomorrow to drop off my phone bill money i hope she isn’t all doped up again. She has been lately. Oh well same old same old.
I am in Mike’s basement..he is putting his tools away and stuff and is just chatting. I love him and i think i need to tell him less. I say that all the time but i never do it…I don’t know why. I used to be the exact opposite with him….I don’t know how i fell so hard. It was like one day i cared for him and the next day all of a sudden I was head over heels in love with him. And now there is no going back. It is scary and exciting. Today i dont think he is going to leave me…a couple days ago i did. i don’t know how to describe it…I stare at him all the time..he amazes me and i find him so attractive, that has to get annoying me always being all over him or telling him how much he means to me. I again…and will try not to foget that i said this, but will try to back off a little. Show him that i love him more than tell him.

Filed under: No More Egg Rolls on January 1st, 2006