When Enough is Enough

I’m at work and techically on my lunch break, im starving, im waiting for mike to get off of the phone so we can go pick up chinese food. I got my car back today that was nice. it looks so pretty and shiny….whole new bumper oh boy. I got used to the mini suv that i had as a rental car, which at first i was terrified to drive, now i miss it…hehehe.
Last night I went over Mike’s house and we decorated his tree. First he had to go through the ornaments and decide what was hers and what was his. That made me kinda sad, well the whole thing was hard for me. I guess thats why it made me sad. I don’t know why but i feel bad, i feel like i can never compare to her or something. It is weird. I know i don’t have to feel that way. I know that he was unhappy with her and its not like he looked at the things and missed her or anything. I said something to him about the stuff and he said that they were just possesions and that is it. I believe him, i know the way i feel is just because i am insecure. Thats my problem and there is nothing that he can tell me to make it go away. I have to work on that on my own.
He said he loves the way we are…that we can just hang out and not fight and watch football and everything. That we have good communication and everything. So why do i feel weird.
So he handed me an ornament to put on the tree and my heart stopped. It was sooooo hard for me to do it…to actually decorate the tree….I had a good time, and glad i did it but it was hard. He was really good about it though.
If we wake up at night to roll around or something he tells me he loves me or will hold me for a little bit or something. I know he does and i love him so much…i guess it will just take time and healing on my part to get over that feeling. I’m so used to thinking someone loves me but they don’t . I’m so used to feeling more then the other person. I don’t know….maybe thats where the BPD comes in.
I know tomorrow i might not feel this way, but last night and today i do. oh well. I’ll get over it in time and with him instead of alone. I’m scared but not so scared that i am pushing him away all the time. I love him and i want to spend the rest of my life with him, i know that. I guess with amy’s help and the meds and hard work and communication i will get over everything one day.

Filed under: No More Egg Rolls on December 13th, 2005