When Enough is Enough

So he just left and i cried. I cried because im stressed out and worried about the tests and work my car, the holidays. I cried because he was in pain and i hate to see him that way. I cried because he had to leave and i just wanted to be with him. I cried because im tired of things going to shit all the time and everything, besides him, being a struggle. Everytime i feel like things are going well and im catching up they crash all the time.
Christmas, I always spend it alone and I am fine that way. I don’t like to go to my mom’s its always something, my sister isn’t coming back down so there really is no reason. So I will be alone, again. Except where as i normally want this, i thought since Mike was in my life i didn’t have to be. I was excited for once to spend it with someone. But as it turns out he does Christmas Eve dinner Christmas Morning breakfast and Christmas Dinner with his family. Which is great and i’m glad, but I can’t go to any of them i don’t feel right with him not being completly divorced, going around his family who doesn’t even know we are together. So this year being alone will hurt, bad, it already does, Its hard because I miss my dad and wish he was here to spend the holiday with. Now there is no one….and even if there was I would just stay home anyway because I will be too upset to do anything. Mike said we will get through it together, and i know we will, i do believe that, but right now it sucks and im in pain and i don’t want to be alone but i am, i just want to be held and told everything is going to be ok until i fall asleep , but i can’t. To no fault of anyone, i need to not be so needy. I’m annoying and i hate it. I hate that when im like this it makes him feel bad, because hes done nothing wrong and there is no need for him to feel bad.
I love that we’re together and i have him, the good definitly out weitghs the bad, the only bad of it is that I actually feel now and it is harder to deal with the bad feelings. When I was alone or in a shitty relationship it was so easy for me not to care when bad stuff happened or when i was alone, I was used to it and just convinced myself that I didn’t care…that i was fine. Now all these feelings are here and I realize I do care and i’m not fine all the time.
Believe me I wouldn’t trade having him, and us, for anything. I would go through hell and back if it meant we could be together. I just don’t want to hurt him anymore, i don’t want to hurt anymore.
I know one day it won’t be this hard, it is just very hard to see that, because it has been for so long. I know i can get through it, with him by my side, thats not it. And although I am physically alone at the moment i am not really alone, although when i feel like this it doesn’t feel that way. It feels like i am completly alone, like he just left me and will never be back. Especially since I won’t see him tomorrow. I don’t know oh well….whatever it is what it is…this too shall pass and all that shit. Maybe i will be more positive tomorrow….I hope to God i am, i hate nothing more than this feeling right now. It sucks and hurts so bad.

Filed under: No More Egg Rolls on December 4th, 2005