When Enough is Enough

Hm….
Waiting for a response on something I asked him, I guess that will determine the immediate action of this entry.
I went to the bar after work and had 2 bailys and coffee…i told him i was there. I just called him and he asked me if i just go back from the bar. But it was in a weird way. So we hung up cause he couldn’t hear me and then i texted him and asked if he was mad. He hasn’t written back yet.
Well whatever if he is mad i hope it is for the right reason. Im mad at myself really.
It just doesn’t stop
At the light with my hands on my face
Thinking what did I do
I came home
And went back out
I feel like I’m cheating on you
But I didn’t lie
I told you what I was doing
I told you what I was drinking
No I don’t love it more than you
Yes I can not drink at anytime
No I don’t need it
Its not like that
You’re addicted
And you know it
You can’t have one
You have to keep going
Until you’re numb
Maybe I can’t be normal
Maybe I’m not used to my new life
Maybe I’m exagerating
And you will still want me to be your wife
You won’t write back
I start to write you again
I cancel it your with your friends
Don’t want drama now
Don’t want to harrass
Just want to let it be
Maybe its just me
Maybe im paranoid
But I wish i knew, I hate nothing more
Than the unknown
About me
About you
Whats going on
I don’t want to loose you
Not like this
But I can’t stop
I can but I’m scared
Please don’t make me
The hardest thing about asking for help
Is that you will get it if you ask in the right place
And that
That my friend
Is the reason so many people don’t utter a word
They keep thier pleas on the inside
For they are afraid

I feel very funny tonight
Very dramatic
Very anxious
He has my medicine in my bag
I left it at work
I need it and will get it later
But i would like it now
Half of me doesn’t want it to stop
And the other half is screaming for a cure
Weird, everything is half assed
I can’t do anything whole
For thinking one way
And feeling another
Always with everything
Well almost everything
Love is the only thing I am sure of at the moment
Everything else im torn
Day and Night
Must I hide who I am
Why am i so afraid all of a sudden
Why oh why do i do this to myself
Im talking out of my ass
I have self control
I have everything together
I can do anything and I am fine
Nothing controls me anymore
Why am i so paranoid
I’ve asked this before
Still no answer can’t anyone just give me an answer
I guess my cat can’t speak
And if he could he would still just look at me
I need to be the one
I need to find the answers
Do the searching
Do the work
Find out where the beginning is
Where to start
Find out which way I need to twist and turn
Tweak this and that
Until I get myself
Back
Was I ever really there
Or am I starting from scratch
He still hasn’t written back
Again
I need to stop the drama
He doesn’t need to know how worried I am
About what he thinks
I didn’t do anything wrong
I was just out
Relaxing
By myself with an empty bar
I would never do anything to hurt him
I really wouldn’t throw away what we have for anything
I hope he knows that and understands
He is not mean
He is not possesive
So then why am I still full of only guesses
We really haven’t fought yet
I wonder if this is the first one
I wonder if everything is about to come undone
Fights scare me
I am afraid it will be the end all to be all
I don’t know how to fight without running away
Without saying hurtful spitefull things
I don’t know how because after it was all said and done
No matter what I was leaving
And I didn’t care about the damage
When I hurt I tend to hurt back
I know thats not right
And that is not want i want to do anymore
If we are fighting I will have to all of a sudden learn how to bite my tounge
If we are fighting I will have to decide in my head what is real
I tend to see things that aren’t there
I tend to pick things out of the air
I need to make sure what i’m saying is so
That it is the way it is to my heart and my head
I think im picking this out of the air
But he still hasn’t written back
I was supposed to later
Go over there
Maybe he is saving it until then
Until we are face to face
And then he will tell me that I am a disgrace
It always has to be drama with you
It always has to be a drink with you
You can’t be alone
You can’t
You need to be baby sat
You’re not doing anything to help yourself
And if you are you’re ruining it all
Hes never said these things to me
But I fear one day that it will come
One day he won’t be able to take anymore
I feel those ways about myself tonight
And im not sure i could handle our first fight
It is funny if we broke up
How weird
Just like this is a new kind of relationship
That would be a new kind of alone
The exact opposite of when we were together
And that is too painful to even think of
Im leaving him alone
Im obsessing and I know it
I can’t stop writting
uuugghhhhhh

Filed under: No More Egg Rolls on November 28th, 2005