When Enough is Enough

Today my heart aches….it hurts so bad, i miss him, for selfish reasons i need him hear. I need to sit on his bed and talk to him, i need to feel his soft hands and the way he used to look down into his coffee…….but i watched him suffer so badly, i watched him wither away and die and now hes gone forever. i know he is in a better place, but i feel him and everything slipping away. It hurts that he is not here ….all my memories are fading just like all the others, i want his to stay so bad. I don’t know. i can’t stop seeing flashes…………………………im so sad my heart aches….everything is split again, i know how i feel but my mind thinks differently. My lack of memories make it better but my soul knows the truth and i am mouring inside instead of mentally if that makes sense. I don’t know. I wish i didn’t have to work tonight. I wish mike wasn’t so busy, i just want to be held by him because he understands me….i don’t want to say anything because i don’t know what to say. i feel like i hurt and i don’t know what to do with it again.. there is no magic pill that can make it go away there is no cure there is nothing i can drink. And i don’t know what to do . i don’t know what is right what i wrong. I don’t feel like doing anything damn work, i feel like taking the day to do what i have to do, to feel how i have to feel. Im tired of not being able to …. im tired of having to suck it up. Im tired of not being able to just mourn without having to pull myself together right away to do what i have to. Im just tired of everything right now. I feel stuck and i feel lonley.
We were so very close i feel like a part of me died with him. I feel it, i just can’t picture it and its frustrating. i remember the bad, why can’t i picture the good. That would make me feel so much better ….that would help me be ok, just to be able to talk to him one more time to make sure he is not still mad at me, i did my best….i was just so young. I feel like i abandoned him and mad at him for giving up, mad at him for not being here and seeing that i am making something of myself mad at him for not being here i want it so bad, i want to have my daddy back and i can’t and the only way i know how to deal with it is to shut out everything automatically i don’t know what to do i hate it……….
i remember when he died i prayed to God over and over to take me. I wanted to be with him in Heaven he was my best friend. I hurt him so badly over the years, i hate myself for that. I hate that i can’t make it better. I hate that i couldn’t take care of him the way i would now.

Filed under: No More Egg Rolls on November 25th, 2005