When Enough is Enough

This was my email to him a few seconds ago. THIS IS A BITCHING SESSION READ AT YOUR OWN RISK BTW

i feel like all of my insecurities are coming out because of work. I am doubting things that have nothing to do with anything, that i never would normally doubt. I am trying really hard since i realize this to ignore it. i feel like i don’t know what is best. Do i accept that i am feeling this way and just talk about them and then wait for it to pass. Or do i stress myself out and try to make them go away. Do i not burden you with my thoughts or do i tell you so atleast you know what i’m feeling. Will it make me less attractive person wise to you. Will you feel like “oh no, not this again.” They are getting farther apart, for that im thankful and i’m sure you are. Right now i just feel like since we are getting closer i have that much more to loose. When i feel like this and i tell you i feel like thats what will happen, thats what they told me anyway. They told me i would push you away by the way i am . You told me that it is not a turn on, which you’re right and knowing that makes me scared. So that is the question of the day. Do i tell you my fears or since they are ridiculous do i keep them to myself and deal alone. I need you to be honest with me. I need to know what you want because i don’t know the best and safest thing to do. I wish this wasn’t happening while you’re sick. I hate putting pressure or stress on you when you already don’t feel well. Im so sorry. I love you

So thats what i wrote. I am so confused i hate feeling like this. im so scared im going to push him away like i always do, im so up his ass its not even funny. Not because i need him, i was fine when he went away. Mostly when i am like this i feel as though i need him as close as possible. But he can’t come over tonight and i completly understand that. He always comes over and is never at his house. That is not fair. I won’t go over there and that is not fair. I wish i could bring myself to but i can’t. I will be so on edge all night, i won’t even want to sit next to him in fear she will show up.
I’m drinking….damn. I’m drinking for the first time in so long because i am stressed out and depressed. I want to drink the whole bottle of wine. I want to forget. Yes, it is that bad. I wish i could pull an AA lesson out of my ass, This too shall pass. Well when. Thats what i say to that. And im sure it will but how the fuck do i deal with it until then …honestly. What does everyone expect from me…what do i expect from myself. Too much thats what.
i started a new medication again today, im sure drinking is gpoing to cancel it out, oh well, there is always tomorrow unfortunatly. It is called Abilify. It is to help me focus and stop blanking out. Eventually she will take me off of the risperdal but she said it has to be slowly. So whatever….. i feel like there is not enough medication in the world that can help me with my problem. Fuck moving up in the working world. I should of fucking stayed a waitress until i was mentally able to not. Thats not true, i never would of had insurance at the restraunt, then would of been stuck being like that forever….and i wouldnt of met him. Well, maybe i would of, because i believe we are meant to be together.
Speaking of him and that email i sent to him. So what the fuck. I am so torn all the time between 2 things, 2 thoughts. Well i should say 1 thought and 1 feeling. My thought is that this is the last thing he needs right now and my feeling is i need to be upset and tell him. One reasonable one not. One selfish one not. One comforting one not. The only thing they both have in common is they both scare the shit out of me . One thought says he is always there for me and understands i don’t need to go talking about it. The feeling says if he fucking loved me i could just tell him and not worry. But unfortunatly i don’t think that is the fucking reality of things. I think it will make him upset and will make him loose feelings for me. Maybe i’ve already said enough. Maybe that 2 second delay that i lack should come in handy now.
He said he might stop by. But the unselfish part of me doesn’t want him to. It wants him to stay at home, get shit done, rest and get better. The selfish part of me wants him here so we can hangout and laugh and have sex make love fuck, whatever all at the same time because that is how it always is. I have never felt so many different things while being physical with someone. I tear up sometimes when we are “together” just because there is so much emotion it is overwhelming.
I have this problem with sex though. I have never had an orgasm straight from sex before….if i help then yes. But never just normal. And with him, it is so close. I think it is because i have such a hard time just letting go. I don’t know how really. Im learning now, but it was never about that before. I am more focused with him on what is going on then i have ever been. I feel more comfortable with him, he makes me feel pretty. He makes me feel loved. He makes me feel like everything i do is a turn on, instead of making me feel bad about my sexuality.
This is going to be another long one, i can feel it, well it already is, but i have so much to say…there is just so much inside. UUUGUGUUGUGGGHHHHHHH i just want to scream and make it all disapear. I’m so doing the work of 4 people right now and so far behind on the stuff that is “technically” my job. Everything is smacking me in the ass at the wrong fucking time. Damn all this job is is problem after problem. If i knew my job better i wouldn’t care….but i feel like i don’t since i am so overwhelmed. I don’t even have time to sit there and learn what i don’t know. If i did, i would be up all hours of the night working. I need to but i just can’t. I have to do work tonight speaking of. After i am done this i am going to start and i will be done by 10pm. UUGH whatever. If i wasn’t working 2 jobs it wouldn’t be as bad i don’t think. If i was making more money it wouldn’t be so bad. If i didn’t fuck up my money this month …..i thought my walet got stolen the other day. I freaked the fuck out and cancelled my debit card. Then when i found it in my couch i was sooo happpy. But that whole day i was going nuts about it. Then tonight i forgot i cancelled it and tried to use it and it didn’t go through, and i was like im so sorry i cancelled it and forgot, can you take this and this off of the bill and i will get this one thing. I was embarrassing.
I feel like since i found love and am trying to work on myself, the rest of my life is falling to shit. Like I am paying the price for finding happiness. It is that time of year when my dad died. Day after Thanksgiving. I probably won’t go to my moms for dinner i like to be alone on Thanksgiving. Maybe if i can afford it i will get a hotel room for one night. I say that because my sister, her husband and my nephew are staying here, with me this year. Oh boy….my place is a mess i don’t know how i will deal with that one, but oh well i will deal. i am so chain smoking right now its not even funny. My wisdom teeth are impacted and i can’t close my mouth all the way without my top and bottom gums touching, it hurts soo bad. I’m going to add a “this is a bitching session” to the top of this cause that is really all it is. I don’t feel like putting this on anyone else. I do enough and i hate it. I just feel like shit all the time. I can’t help it. But i don’t want to turn into my mother…i dont want to go around advertising that i feel like shit. I hate this …. i feel so guilty for acting like this. But atleast it is here, thats why i have this blog right? Sorry guys for you having to hear and read all of this love ya.
I guess i will stop now and start working. See you all later…sweet dreams

Filed under: No More Egg Rolls on November 10th, 2005