When Enough is Enough

WaWa mission accomplished. He texted me that he is on the espressway. I forgot he flew into Atlantic City. I don’t know how long that takes…i forget what 45 min? There shouldn’t be traffic right? Hope not. So yeah probably another hour atleast till i see him. He didn’t say whether he was coming over or not. I don’t want to bug him about it either…i guess i will just wait and muster all the patience i have. Lets see what else is going on….hhmm….

Besides the fact that i have been watching law and order for hours. Shit I just sneezed on my computer…sneak attack. UGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH torture..Heellloo. He must be so tired though and he is still sick as shit. So we will see. Im freaked out no matter what about his last text message about his me too comment. So i really can’t go there now even if that is not what he meant.

This is such a weird feeling. I don’t think i have ever been so excited to see someone. I have been daydreaming about it all week. How sweet of a moment it will be. It feels like so long ago i looked into his eyes, heard is laugh, felt his hands….his lips. It makes me not take him for granted, appriciate that much more every moment we are together. This time was good and bad for both of us. The way it sounded from his text messages he realized a lot about us. There were like 6 i saved on my phone, about how much he loves me and how great of a life will have, and that i am everything to him. Hes nevere put it so strongly before….That made him being away so much easier. What i was sooo scared of didn’t happen. I was scared that he would realize he didn’t love me, or not come back, or meet someone else. None of those things happened…in fact the exact opposite did. That suprised me and made me realize how real what we have is…how rare and precious. That I will be able to get through what I have to with him, I trust him as much as i possibly can at the moment. Which is more that i could ever say about anyone without lying to myself and them.

I used to do that alot. Lie to myself and to others. So much that i didn’t know i was doing it. I just wanted to be able to feel all those things, to make them happy. To be someone i wasn’t. To be ready for something i wasn’t. Now finally, I am ready. I do not have to try to feel anything, i do not have to pretend and convince myself or anyone. It is truley there and truly the most wonderful feeling I have ever felt. So exciting and full of comfort. So promising and full of hope.

What a difference my life is now. I used to want to die. I used to think about that if i did, i wouldn’t care. I was never afraid of death. Now i am. Now i don’t want to , i want to have a future. I look at the world so differently since i started getting help and since i’ve met him. He is helping to show me that I have a whole life left. I don’t have to go through anything alone, now or in the future. He is so protective of me, but not overprotective. He holds me close but lets me go. He thinks we are perfect for each other. But knows i am not perfect. I love that. I love that he loves me, not worships me…he doesn’t hold me any higher than I am. I have flaws and i hate when people pretend you don’t . Its just being able to love them for thier flaws and accept them…thats ok. But pretending they are not there, that is not ok.

It could possibly be one more hour until I see him. I feel like it is like a first date or something. I have butterflies and don’t know what i’m going to say or do. I feel like our relationship is brand new. I feel like we haven’t been friends for 7 months, i feel like i just met him and somehow just know him so well. I don’t know if im making sense, for i can’t really describe it.

You know what i have to do is go on poets.com. They have been bashing one of my poems lately and that is the first time it happened so it threw me off a bit. But i have a poem i want to submit. I am so not giving up. I know why i write…and it isn’t to be perfect, it is to get the feelings out. I never edit or make my poems better. I feel like every line is how i feel at that exact moment and i can’t get it back, can’t think or feel the same way 10 lines back. I must have wrote it that way for a reason, even if it is “techincally” not good.

Filed under: No More Egg Rolls on November 7th, 2005