When Enough is Enough

He left for vacation this morning at 4 am . Yesturday I felt so many emotions all at once I thought I was going to collapse. I was tired I was on a caffine high I was content I was distraught. I don’t think my body knew what was going on and today it is paying the price.
Yesturday in the morning we went to his brother’s so his brother could change my oil and check on my car and do all that fun stuff. I had a really great time. I get along well with him and it was nice to see the 2 interact together. I drank an extra large dunkin donout’s coffee with extra sugar in it because I was so tired. Then the 3 of us went out to Olive Garden for lunch. Which again, I had a great time. I had 2 glasses of wine….and by that time the caffine had kicked in! So i was a little loopy! I was giggling alot i know that. Mike came over before I went to the restraunt and we spent time together….I started to cry when he was holding me and i told him that I had to think of us as this was it and it was over. I told him that I didn’t know where to put all these emotions, I didn’t know how to handle them. I was feeling sooooo scared I really didn’t know what to do with myself and I couldn’t stop crying, again. Seems to be going around a lot lately.
He told me that he understood and that although it was excessive, it was how i felt and he understood why. I think i hurt him when i said that i had to act like we were breaking up and stuff like that and then i switched over to the I don’t care thing, and that hurt him even more i think at some point.
The point is, I want to miss him, I know thats normal. I don’t want to feel like I just lost the best thing that has ever happened to me and i’m never going to get it back, thats not normal. I feel like I’m dying inside, I feel like I don’t know how to live without him. Its so odd, because before we got really close, I had been along everyday, and was fine with it. Yeah sad and lonley sometimes, but never like this, where i’m dreading everyday because i know i can’t see him. Its sooooooo weird.
The reasonable side of me tells me it is good hes going, yeah i’ll miss him, but that i have come too dependant on his company. I need to get back my individual strength and realize its not all just him. Why i’m so scared of this , I don’t know.
Maybe dreading work doesn’t help. If i was at a place in my job right now where it was good and I looked forward to it, maybe it wouldn’t be as bad, but I’m dreading this week. What is I have a question, who am i going to ask, What if something goes wrong, who is going to fix it. I can’t fix a computer, I can’t write software…I can’t be calm when I really need to!!!!!!
He is the bright spot im my day I realize, nothing seems as bad because I will get to see him….but now that i’m not, I’m sooo scared its almost like I don’t even want to know what time it is, because i know what time he normally comes over on sundays. The one thing I do know is that i have to fight my way through this, settle in, know it will be hard, and get through it. Day by day, minute by minute if I have to.
I never thought it was possible to feel this way about someone and there be no hint of me wanting to run away, he treats me when, we get along, we really never fight, yet i don’t want to go . I want a normal relationship. A healthy one, now if I could only get myself healthy we will be alright. Maybe this will also help when and if he comes back, when he leaves at night, maybe i won’t get so upset.
He said that he promised to never leave again without me….I could of technically gone this time, but i couldn’t bring myself too….there is too much going on at the moment. Im glad i didn’t beg him to stay. I’m glad i atleast didn’t do that, I’m glad that he is so understanding that I’m not doing this on purpose. That i really do want him to go and have a good time, he deserves a vacation, and is badly in need of one. I’m also trying to refrain myself from texting him every 10 minutes…..He let me know when he landed….and i went over his house…which i hate to do at like 13o am because he was still packing and he was so tired, i went to keep him company, then at like 23o we took a nap for a hour and half then he got up to go. I didn’t cry this time, I was good about it. He was sooo tired, and i felt so bad for him. He has to drive like 6 hours when he gets there, he is flying in to FLL and driving to Key West.
Its going to be his brother, his guy friend, his brother’s girlfriend, his dad, and his dad’s girlfriend. I am not that worried I guess, the reasonable side anyway, that he would do something, but the unreasonable side is scared to death. I just have to remember his side job is porn site, he creates and owns and manages them. And he doesn’t do anything then and thats the extremem situation so why would he give an and do something there. I told him he didn’t have to worry about me doing anything because I would never throw away what we have for something that didn’t matter. Oh well, I guess I will get out of bed and go to the bank, I have to despoit a check for him that he gave me and put money in my account as well, i need to clean and do work too. I need to get up and force myself not to be depressed, i need to shower….I have to force myself to eat something too, which is the last thing i want to do right now. Whatever, I will make it….crying is not dying.

Filed under: No More Egg Rolls on October 30th, 2005