When Enough is Enough

I could go on and on about my day and what happened. Honestly it is too exhausting to go into it. I’m pooped. Mamma Drama drives me insane. Lets just say I had to leave work again today. My boss saw me crying and gave me a hug and was awsome and so understanding. But it is still embarassing. Oh well i’ve told her almost everything i have wanted to since i was like 8. I didn’t go as bad as i thought it would. But i always get my hopes up that things will change and they don’t so i guess i will just look at it as i did what i had to do . I will go into the conversation another day. I’m so tired of all the bull poo.
But goodness, this medicine must be doing something, after all of that today, im still happy, yeah i cried but it was situational and dissapeared when i left there, i didn’t fall into a depression or anything. And in general my “bad times” are only like once or twice every two weeks or something like that according to Mike. I can never remember because when i feel bad, even if for a day, that day feels like it is a week long, so i always think the bad hangs around longer than it does.
I realized something else about myself that Amy pointed out. I guess i was in denial about it, i didn’t really consider myself what she said, but i looked into it afterwards and decided for myself that i agreed. I scratch. It started out when i was really anxious i would scratch my arm or my face or something, but mostly my arms, and i wouldn’t really realize i was doing it. I would snap out of where ever i was and realize i was bleeding. I used to do it all the time a few years ago, then it stopped. I did it when i first got sober and was in and out of hospitals and when my medication was being messed with and i was put on it for the first time.
After i stopped the medication and stopped being sober and going to meetings and everything i started drinking and smoking pot again. I didn’t drink that often , but when i did it was alot usually. And i smoked everyday. The scratching stopped then.
Now that I am back on medication and i only drink once a week and when i do it is not bad, maybe 2 times a week but i only drink a couple of glasses of wine now instead of straight liquor…..its not bad, and i don’t drink when i am upset and i don’t take a bunch of pills to knock myself out anymore either, nor do i smoke. So i decided that I started scratching again in place off all of that stuff. It is a way for me to deal with my pain or the complete empty feeling that overwhelms me.
I have one that just healed on my arm at the moment and might scar, and i had told amy about it 2 times ago when i went. That one i knew what i was doing but i didn’t. All i knew was that it was calming me down and it didn’t hurt. And even when it did hours and days later. I didn’t mind the pain. I just kept thinking that it was soothing. I never really looked this deep into this before now…and now that i have with Amy’s help i realize what is going on.
She asked me this past time if I had “cut” recently. I got defensive and said I don’t cut I scratch. I never thought of the 2 being the same. I’ve heard of people cutting but didn’t know that much about it. But I let it go until i left there, then i really thought about it and did research. I did it again on sunday to my leg. This time I knew what i was doing and i didn’t care cause it felt good at the time. Almost like when you are crying and are laying there and someone is stroking your forehead and hair telling you that everything is going to be ok. I say that to myself as im doing it. I did that one Monday night, I was really bad then and threw a fit and cried when Mike left. He again, said he would stay, and I again, told him to go . I don’t want him to give in, thats not why i do it, but i can’t help it, I can’t stop it i feel like when it’s happening even though I know perfectly well it shouldn’t be happening. So he left and i cried and cried and then scratched. The next day, tuesday, i went to work then was supposed to go to my night job. They wound up having too many people one so i went home. Without knowing why i couldn’t wait to get home so that I could do “something” I didn’t want to drink a lot because of work the next day, i didn’t want to take pills to go to bed, because of work the next day, and i thought of the scratching, I could do that and no one would know. I could wake up and go to work the next day, and i would feel better that night. It dawned on me how wrong that was, and it scared me how bad i wanted to do that.
I called Mike and he came over. He knew the last time what happened what i had done to my arm. Everyone else i just told i had a huge band aid on because i fell into a brick wall. I told him what i wanted to do , and i told him what amy said. He said that the last time i did it he thought of “cutting” too but didn’t want to say anything.
So i realize why i do it now, and that altough it is nice temporary relief, it is not the answer. I need to learn better ways to cope. I will, thats why im going to amy and getting on the right meds and such. I can’t say that it will stop overnight or never happen again, but atleast i can say that I am aware of it now and would like to stop one day. It only happens when im really down or anxious or scared.
I have to start writing more often so that so much doesn’t build up and then i write pages!
I’ve found that Mike and I have something that I have never experienced before. I find that I am in a much different place then I have ever been as well…and that might have something to do with the way i look at things. But for the first time I have someone who wants to stand by me and help me the way i need help. He is amazing. And one day I would like to be with him. As scary as that sounds, I would like that. We are pretty much together at the moment , except for technically. He is legally separated but doesn’t sign the papers for another 4-12 weeks, and if i said that didn’t bother me i would be lying. Even though thier marrige was over years before i met him and even though she was cheating on him more than likely and is probably with someone else already, even though she is moved out of the house…it still bothers me. And that is the one thing i am waiting for….I guess it will make us officially together. I don’t know.
I love him, i know that. That is hard, very hard, i don’t know how to have a real relationship. I really don’t ….I’m going to try and i don’t think i could if he wasn’t so very patient and understanding. He tells me when i am wrong, which i love.
He told me yesturday that I have tunnel vision. Really bad when im down but in general, I think something and that is the only way it is to me and my mind can’t be changed even though there could be 50 other ways to go about it , i only see one. I never noticed that about myself. And he is right, and cares about me enough to tell me . He tells me how great I am all the time as well, but he also tells me the truth, even if i don’t want to hear it. I love that he doesn’t sugar coat things just to appease me. He knows how to say things and when as well. I could go on and on and on about him. I tell him all the time how i feel and how much i love him. Whether that is wrong or right i don’t know, and honestly i don’t care. I can’t help myself, that is how i feel and i really would like us to have a future. I find myself in a position i never wanted to be in or thought i would with his divorce not being final.
I don’t look at myself as a bad person for it because i see all sides, but like i said, i do feel guilty…guilty for being in love with him before the paper is signed i guess. It all depends on how you look at it. I am just thankful and lucky that I have him, that is what i am focusing on.
Time will tell all.

Filed under: No More Egg Rolls on October 27th, 2005