When Enough is Enough

I’m freaking out…is he hurt, is he lost, he is mad, is he with another. So many thoughts going through my head, concered for his saftey and concered for mine. Its horrible to say that it is both. I’m definitly worried something happened to him, but I just have this sick feeling in my gut. Why hasn’t he called thats not like him, im scared and i don’t know what to do …. i don’t want to keep calling him because i don’t want to hound him either. So i decided I would write in here so that atleast i get it out. He was going to get his hair cut at 545pm then he was going to call me to let me know if he was going to his cousins or not….but that over 2 hours ago. Thats not like him, its just not. I was going to go over his house, but now its too late even if he does call, which im so scared that he won’t. I never know whether it is my intuition talking or my fears, I never know when to believe myself anymore. I overreact alot, and I can never tell when it is justified. I hope to God he is ok and not in an accident. I hope that if he just didn’t want to hang out he would tell me ….. i hope …i just hope that when he calls and i know he is ok, i don’t get all pissed off at him, i’m sure hes not doing it to avoid me …aren’t I. He didn’t do anything wrong, Im just so fucking worried. I hate this feeling….I never know what to do ….and i don’t know whats going on. I am cleaning and trying to keep my mind occupied but it is not working that much. I have to start doing work in a half hour anyway….i guess i will finish my laundry and cleaning my room, the kitchen and living room and my desk and everything else will just have to wait until saturday morning. I work all day and night tomorrow so there will be no time to get anything done anyway. Sunday is my day to write and paint and drink some wine at noon if i want to ….. so i will try to get all the “errands and such” done saturday before work saturday night. I am tired but wired at the same time…I drank some hot tea with a shit load of sugar in it and i’m trying not to make another one, but it was just so hot and felt so good…soothing, maybe before i go to bed i will take a bubble bath…if my mind has calmed down enough for that. I will take my risperdal when i see how much work there is to do tonight, if it won’t be hours i will take it when i start so my mind can simmer down for a little while so that when i go to go to bed i will be able to and not stare at the celing and think of all these awful things. I have felt really good over the last couple of days, very happy, the only thing is my mind, it takes control of me. The other night when i was driving home i almost ran a red light because i was somewhere else. I had pictured my house burning down and i thought of my cat and i saw myself standing outside screaming and crying and wanting to run in there to find him but people holding me back, I almost was crying in the car. I keep doing that and its while im driving and i’m forever almost hitting people and shit now…That part of it has not gotten any better. The risperdal is supposed to help with that and it does at night but during the day im screwed. Oh well. I guess i better go and do something productive before i absolutly go nuts here I could write for hours and i have so much to do, i just can’t do that unfortunatly, maybe i will write again if i need to when im done work….its 8pm and still no call, no text message nothing. I will atleast write again to say what has happened or the more likely what hasn’t happened. Im just so scared.

Filed under: No More Egg Rolls on October 20th, 2005