When Enough is Enough

Yesturday was a good day. Today is a better day. Inch by inch i work my way back up to where i love to be. Smiling laughing loving everything without worry. No crying No screaming No scratching No begging No pleading for it to all be over. Right now I am savoring this time and enjoying every moment of freedom that I have. The physciatrist said that it was just a bad mood swing at the wrong time…everything just happened to catch up to me on the downside. I was so scared. It felt like i would feel like that forever and that I had felt like that for so long. Now looking back it was only a couple days, but it felt like months. Its amazing how much i value and appriciate life when im happy. I didn’t cry when he left, I have been able to be there for him more over the past couple of days, just like he was there for me when i needed him.. I’m giving back for the first time in a while to him like i want to and it feels so good. I love making people happy and being able to do nice things for the people i care about. I got to see vicki yesturday which was nice, we all went to happy hour then she met up with us afterwards, I can be myself around the few people that I have in my life. That is what is important to me…That reminds me there is someone who i haven’t talked to in a while that i have to email. I cant believe how supportive everyone is being, even my mom is trying to help be there for me, In the way that is good for me…she still slips sometimes and makes it about her or that she knows everything, but now i feel as though when i call her out on it, instead of denying it she says shes sorry. That is progress…shes going to go to a conselor soon, Im so glad about that because I was loosing her. She is sooo depressed all the time, cries alot, won’t get out of bed, she is so hurt from the past and so lost at this point, she doesn’t know how to make it better. I don’t blame her. I’m also starting to let go I think of some of the resentment I have for her. I think that a lot more will come out in therapy, but on the whole, I am excepting her for her at this point moving forward. I have to work on things with her from the past but right now I look at her as a human that makes mistakes and needs help. Instead of a mother that treats me wrong. One day maybe it will grow into more of a mother daughter relationship, but we are better friends now then we have almost ever been, that i remember anyway. I don’t mind helping her get help and stuff, and i am no longer afraid to tell her the truth..as far as when she hurts me or when i think she is wrong i can tell her or stuff like that. I tell her a little about how i feel about myself, mostly factual things. Like specifically what is going on with the disorders, but i never call her when im upset and tell her how very depressed i am, But that is still hard for me…to open myself up to her completly anyway. I’ve been hurt by her way too many times, I don’t want it to happen again because i was getting very close to my cut off point with her. I used to dread talking to her……everytime i got off the phone or got back from seeing her I was hurt. The things she used to say to me…..She said one time in front of a guy and my brother in her house that I was “easy” because my parents got divorced….shit like that…on and on and on…that i should wear makeup even little stuff like that just to say in her own little way I wasn’t good enough, Thats just the minor stuff….I don’t even want to get into the bigger stuff…that would take a while…little by little…oh well anyway so today is another good day and for that I am grateful. Very much so ….it feels good to be able to breathe. Hopefully the increase in my meds will help me.. I really need to stop being so lazy and keep track of my moods…It will definitly help me to learn my patterns more…I loose track of them so easily. The down times feel so much longer than the good times, but i don’t know if thats actually true. Oh well…im sleepy good night

Filed under: No More Egg Rolls on October 13th, 2005