When Enough is Enough

I have been thinking about the past lately. My memory is shot for the most part, whether it be long term or short term. At this point if I don’t write it on a sticky note in huge letters, it doesn’t get done. Also if the note isn’t in 5 places I forget i wrote the note I have been looking through old pictures recently and it hurts. I don’t know why it hurts so much. It feels like the pictures I have memories of are bad memories, something painful is linked to them. The other pictures I don’t remember, and that hurts me. If that makes sense. I have birthday pics of me at my moms house…they are all of me being sad or with a red nose from crying. I remember those times, I remember something always happening to ruin the day. I have pictures of an old best friend, times were ruined when i had my big breakdown. Partly because of me and partly because of her and her family. I have pictures of old boyfriends, and that hurts. Each in thier own way. It seems like the old boyfriends I have pictures of hurt me. I don’t have pics of people I hurt. Which I find ironic, could just be coincidence. I have been thinking about past relationships a lot lately….Trying to remember where exactly I became incapable. My very first “boyfriend” I was so young….5th grade. I still remember that. It seems impossible to me that I was on the phone with him talking about how we would go to the same college just so we could stay together. I was sitting on the top step on the stairs at my moms house, I can remember so vividly. I remember then going to a dance, his friends were there, both boys and girls, I remember I had no real friends. I remember that they had a vote whether he should be with me or another girl, a “cool” girl. And they and he picked her and I sat outside and cried until someone came to pick me up. I was devestated and looking back i realize that is the first time I felt like an outcast, even though before that I was, but it never hit me until then. In middle school I had boyfriends that were good for me, they were always older, and i remember feeling like i would be with them forever. Then breaking up with them. Then regreting it and going back and so on until I destroyed them and they hated me. My first long term relationship “in love” destroyed me. I think I was trying to make myself be what he wanted and let myself get walked all over whether he did it on purpose or not, in the end I was destroyed. He would talk about other girls when we were together and how much he liked them but didn’t feel like he was good enough for them, and I would reassure him that he was and that they, specifically one girl he was obsessed with, be with him. It would kill me when I was with him in the hallway and she walked by, I remember my heart dropping and feeling like a nothing worthless not worthy ugly girl. I remember feeling that I had to make him happy, thats all I wanted as long as he was happy I didn’t care about what happened to me. I remember being a mess when he broke up with me. Staring out the window crying and screaming, I remember throwing a crying fit at his house begging and pleading. I remember one time so horrible that he took advantage of it. And used me then kicked me out of his house. I remember still wanting to be with him after that. Then hanging out with his new girlfriend cause I still wanted to make him happy, that turned into a mess and I got a new long term boyfriend so that stopped. This one was an alcoholic and yell at me and kicked me out of his car once. Would tell me I wasn’t clean enough and certain girl parts smelled bad and that i wore too much make up. Always downing me. I remember him drinking Jack right out of the bottle, I remember him pushing me and it made me remember the past relationship the violent parts. I remember when my dad died he critized me at the funeral because I wore all black. I remember when I moved to center city after that, he had lived in South Philly and told me I was never allowed to drop by. We had been together for 2 years. I remember I grew some balls and told him where to go, I was feeling more independant and confident…I was working in a place and living in a place where it was the best and worst for me. My roomate showed me that i was a good person, that i didn’t have to take that crap. I began to stand up for myself…and he hated that I remember we got in a big fight at his apartment because I wouldn’t conform to his every need anymore and he yelled and screamed at me and called me a bitch. I smiled at him the whole time scared he was going to hit me ….. he was in the army and a big guy….. it was all infront of his roomate, for that i was embarrased. But for the first time, I knew I was in the right, and didn’t care if I lost him. He would call me after that and send me flowers and leave notes on my car. For the first time, I didn’t budge. That was over. I became a hard core alcoholic, drinking from 6pm to 3 am every day then getting up at 630 to go to work , be hung over all day with the shakes. Never stopping, I would throw up multiple times in one night and keep drinking. Walking home on a dangerous road alone in philly, or my roomate would put me in a cab and send me on my way. I blacked out almost every time, One time waking up with a guy that I was kinda not really seeing at the time in my bed, I had no idea how he got there or what happened. I didn’t even remember him being at the bar or me leaving. I asked him what happened and he said something to the effect of that i didn’t move around much. Thats when i realized he had sex with me and God only knows what he did while I was passed out. I remember starting to date the next serious relationship. This one would take hours to explain but I will start and stop at the beginning. We started dating and it had to be bad on him. I would have to pick me up at the bar me acting like a wild girl and see all that. I think at that time he felt pity for me and just used me for sex and someone to hang out with. Because he lived with 5 other people, some he has known since middle school and one was a girl. I knew he was in love with her, he looked at her like he never looked at me. It made me sick. I would go over his house and there would be gum on a candle and a glass with red wine in it. He doesn’t drink wine, she does. He vowed to me they never slept together. But i almost wish he had. Knowing he was in love with her was harder to accept then just getting some ass from her. They had a party one night and I went, him and i got in a fight, when i was drinking (up to a whole bottle of rum at that point) i let me fears run wildly out of my mouth. I told him how i felt when i was drunk, but never sober. I was a do whatever you want girl when i was sober, thinking I could make him love me instead, that one day he would wake up and realize I was the one for him. I got mad and left, went back to my house, couldn’t sleep cause i was worried since we were in a fight, so i went back and they were in bed together. Not having sex but cuddling, he woke up and saw me and rolled over on top of her and started tickeling her and they were laughing and I was just sitting there. I packed my stuff up as she just laid in bed while he went into the bathroom, he came out and said he didn’t care that I was leaving. I was devestated and promised myself i wouldn’t go back, but i did over and over for 6 years now, full knowing he was never in love with me. I ended the cycle recently. There was a bunch of stuff in that 6 years that wasn’t bad and that he helped me with and that he was there for me, which made it that much harder to leave. At that time in my life I was very dependent and couldn’t make it alone…there was no family to lean on and no friends. I felt so alone, so scared and so worthless…..and so drunk. I felt used and i felt like i used him…he used me for sex and i used him for support. For the first time now i realize how he really isn’t good for me and that instead of me not being the one for him, he isn’t the one for me. He lost out , not me. All the ones in between thoughs, i don’t remember the realationships, the ones I hurt, i don’t remember, i remember them, but not the details, i remember them loving me and me crushing them. I felt like it was never ending. Now, because i was so dependent for so long i am sooooo afraid to rely on anyone, I am so afraid i will be in debt with them, that they will hurt me ……..i don’t know im tired of writing.

Filed under: No More Egg Rolls on October 10th, 2005