When Enough is Enough

I hate everything about myself right now. I have not felt so disgusted by myself in forever…so absolutly horrible i don’t know what to do …… i just want the pain to stop. Im getting tired of waiting. I can’t take it anymore….its so hard. When i hurt…..I hurt others. I can’t stop the stuff that comes out of my mouth. i feel so bad for lashing out but it just does’t stop. i don’t know what is wrong with me. Well i do and right now i absolutly hate it…some days i accept what is going on and can deal today …not so much. I can’t stop crying …..theres just so much im dealing with right now, I am loosing control and i’m scared. I am more scared then i have been in soooooooo long. So alone by my own doing…im reading a book that says that every action comes from 2 emotions…fear and love. im beginning to see the truth in that. i fear everything. I get overwhelmed out of fear, because i don’t think i can handle it, u push people away and hurt them out of fear, fear of being abandoned. It is so extreme and so unnecessary…He is going on vacation and i feel as though he is leaving me…even though we’re not together…if we were, it feels like hes breaking up with me. I really needed him tonight because i am hurting so bad and so scared but i couldn’t ask…he offered so many times and all i could say was no….sometimes im so scared of opening up and then other times i open up soo much. The more i open up the worse times like this are. Theres so much more feeling and so much more to loose. I can’t take it. I just keep thinking …how am i going to get through tomorrow at work, how am i going to function and pretend like everything is ok like i do everyday. I get so tired of that. Between work, mental health things im dealing with, and now all the stuff i am going through for my stomach, all the test i have to do, all the medication i am now on, its getting so hard. I am so mad at myself and hate myself for the way i am. I wish my daddy was still alive….i want to cry and him tell me everything is going to be ok and hold me…but that will never happen. I get so mad for wanting that…and for not taking advantage of everyday we had together when he was alive. For being a young stupid self absorbed teenager at the time. Im so angry at myself and don’t know what to do. I just want to be held….and i feel so stupid for that. I feel stupid for it because i can’t ask for it. I could have it…but i can’t. I feel like my mind is battling my heart…and no one is winning, they just keep pulling and pushing and fighting and it feels like it will never end. I feel like I am 2 separate people co existing in the same body and it is just so hard sometimes. I’m mad that i am now on 5 different medicines plus a fiber pill 2 times a day. I guess what it comes down to ….is that it has all caught up to me maybe tonight. I am feeling sorry for myself and for that i feel weak…and that makes me mad!!!!!!!!!! I notice i only write when im down…never when im up…..i don’t know what to think anymore…i guess i will go to bed and cry myself to sleep and pray to God i feel differently tomorrow. Its a big day at work and i don’t have the time to be feeling like this there….i don’t even have cigarettes left, and now im a crying mess and can’t go get them… ironic. Something else i want but can’t do. Whatever…it is what it is. But i just wish i didn’t hurt people that i care about when im like this. They didn’t do anything wrong…i know that im selfish …and again….tonight…i hate myself for it.

Filed under: No More Egg Rolls on October 6th, 2005