When Enough is Enough

I am sitting on my couch, crying, crying because im foolish. Crying because I know how i am, but i can never see things coming. I know the end result but when im on the path there i can never tell until the end result appears.. I feel like i have no way to avoid the inevitable outcome. I let him get to me, I let myself get close to someone, too close. Now when he leaves i cry……I feel like i can’t not be around him. I feel like everytime he leaves to go home, hes abandoning me. It hurts sooo bad…..Now i have to pull away and can’t see him for awhile until I get used to being alone again…then maybe start hanging out with him again when we need to work….and thats it. I can’t handle it and I can’t take it anymore. I can’t be close to anyone…I have to be alone. Which sucks because I go crazy when i’m alone…and the closest person is my mom, I could go there..but I always leave pissed off and frustrated and misunderstood. My brother…well hes not an option, his fiancee hates me so that will be uncomfortable too. I used to go sit at the bar when i felt like this…not cause i wanted to drink, but it was somewhere i could be around othe people, without necessarily having to talk to anyone. But the downside to that is I do drink, even if its not a lot…and I get worse when I drink….maybe not that day, but the next day my moods are off even more. I could go to the store but I know I would spend money…and i can’t afford to do that right now. So instead i will sit here and try to muster everything I have and clean. My house is a mess and I hate it but its so hard to get up and make it better. Instead I sit here and day dream about being in a good mood and cleaning and listening to music and being happy. That seems so impossible, and i want it so bad. I want to bad not to be feeling like this. I am stressed out enough from work alone without this…my day off and i’m going to be crying all day. Great. Whatever…one day it will get better right? I just have to make it until then.

I went to a barbaque last night for his work, since i will be working for him part time i had to go and meet all the other people i will be having to work with over the computer. It was nice until i smoked. I had a panic attack, because i was so mad that i gave into peer pressure and so worried what would happen i got all messed up…couldn’t breath, couldn’t see, hit my head on a fence, fell, then sat there cause i couldn’t figure out how to open the gate. I must have looked like a mess…The thing is i wasn’t drunk, i had one drink, yeah i smoked but it didn’t effect me like that….Just physically messed up. I went out and sat in the car for 5 minutes, then was fine….Thank gosh they are the nicest laid back people i have ever met. I did better than I think i have ever done at something like that. Other than that little 15 minute mishap I never got drunk, i actually didn’t have more than that 1 drink, and i didn’t smoke again. Every function like that I find I have no self control. Although I lacked it for a minute, I reagained it which is more than I have ever done. And I did well in the crowd. I talked the talk and hung in there….I don’t know that much about the job yet….I’m still training but I knew enough to hold a conversation, i was sooo nervous about going, meeting new people. I find myself not knowing what to say and I make myself look like an ass alot. Cause i usually will repeat the last thing they say and laugh. I don’t know why….or make a little comment like “thats so funny” and laugh. I look like an airhead when im nervous. Maybe next time will be better….since i will know what to expect. But over all mike was proud of me and i was proud of myself ….besides my incident. Atleast progress has been made. Over time…I won’t give in to peerpressure anymore…when i am a more confident person.

I’m looking forward to this job because it will force me to make friends and meet people. And these people are great but out there. Not in a bad way..they don’t judge anyone ever…Not the good ones anyway. An affiliate is actually going to help me…which is nice.

My sister will is the first person i gave this website address to. I figured why not, yeah there may be things i wouldnt normally tell her because i was too embarassed and dont want to dissapoint her, but this is me and I need to learn not to be ashamed of it. Even my mistakes, because everyone makes them. I am on my way to bettering myself and trying to find myself. Why not invite her in for the ride. Heehehee

Filed under: No More Egg Rolls on October 2nd, 2005