When Enough is Enough

I was so happy today and then I came home and my internet was off…I couldn’t turn on my desktop computer and I have to do work. Guy 1 ( I use Guy 1 just incase someone reads this that I know, and it isn’t fair of me to publicly use someone’s name without telling them, although he wouldn’t care, I don’t feel I can at this time) had just left and I was freaking out. I was so anxious because I didn’t know what to do or how to fix it. For some reason it was beyond beyond upsetting. I called him all frantic….I felt like I was going to cry at any minute like it was the end of the world. He said he would turn around and come back to try and fix it….I said yeah but what do I do, I just don’t know what to do…He told me to open the new mouse I got for the laptop and go into Word and start writing a blog. I felt my panic starting to subside and turn into sadness, but I said I would. I just needed direction and he gave it to me. I feel like he understands me. And what he doesn’t understand he asks he doesn’t get angry or impatient or even frustrated…nothing….he is patient and helpful in the ways that I need it. Guys have been “helpful” before…in the way they felt was helpful. But they never listened to what I needed. If I needed to be left alone…they pushed harder……If they thought hugging me would console me after I told them not to touch me that it would make it worse, they didn’t get it. They felt helpless and for that I’m sorry. I’m sorry that they were nice enough to want to be there and help me, but that it wasn’t right. I’m a very hard person to deal with and be close to. There are so many ups and downs and in betweens that its hard to keep up with out loosing your mind. It is such a typical excuse that people use when breaking up with people “It’s not you, it’s me” I have said that so often, and meant it whole heartedly every time. Especially relationships…they are seemingly impossible for me. I told him that…I explained to him. Plus there are so many factors that go into what him and I have…outside factors, even if I was capable of having a relationship…we wouldn’t be able to for a long time. I think that just because I’m not calling it a “relationship” it makes me feel better…and I can justify things to myself much easier. I feel wrong about what we have sometimes, and it scares me as well. I have thought so many times that I was with the person I was going to marry, and would tell the other person that too. I couldn’t keep it to myself because I really felt that way…but in the end it always disappeared as quickly as it came. My feelings are like a summer storm….It happens so fast and fierce and then its over in an instant and the sun shines again. Unfortunatly I do compare the relationship to the rain instead of the sun. The sun stays out longer and the love disappears so fast. I have left so much pain in people, for that I feel horrible. I think about hurting others more than I dwell on the times I was hurt. Although it was bad, I would rather hurt than hurt others. So my new thing is no love no relationships nothing. He knows that and knows that he is being close to me at his own risk….but I still feel horrible, what if I hurt him….what if in the end I find that’s not what I want for some reason….I can’t even bear thinking of that…..He is the first person to truly want to be there for me.

Filed under: No More Egg Rolls on October 1st, 2005