When Enough is Enough

I signed up for the poets.com website. I figured if i’m going all out here in letting people know how i feel, I may as well do it all the way I submitted a poem in there over the weekend and just went back in today to check it. There were 3 reviews. At first when I saw them I was soo nervous, my heart dropped, i don’t think i expected anyone to read them. But they did, 3 people. Then i thought what if they aren’t good reviews, what if they tell me i suck. I read them and was happy with it. I think even if they were bad reviews, i might have been happy in the end. With this here im writing differently, and no one has seen it to my knowledge, it was nice to know someone read and could relate there. Thats what i’m looking to accomplish with both, really. Today was not as bad of a day as i thought it was going to be. I usually dread tuesdays work wise. I have both jobs, and usually this is a hectic day for my “day” job, but it didn’t bother me as much today for some reason. Last night i had my therapist appointment. I hadn’t gone to her in over a month. I’ve been to the pysciatrist since, but not therapy. I haven’t decided still how i feel about her. I’m scared to open up to her i know that. I have a feeling she might hurt me, i don’t know why. I just get that vibe….so i dont know if thats how i feel with all of them or just her…if it will disapate with time, or stay this way. I start going every week starting October 1oth. So maybe that will help. But after i left there I went to the bookstore with my friend, I wanted to get a book on bipolar, and it turned out so did he, so that he may be able to understand me. That made me feel really good, cause i know it has to be hard on the people that i am close with. I take much frustration out on them i think, not on purpose, but they are just around more than others so they see all sides, where as other people are more fortunate and have seen mostly the good side. I bought one for my mom too….i thought that it might help her understand me, i would like for that to happen, im just not capable right now of opening up to her on my own, so i thought this would be the best way right now. Maybe i will feel more comfortable telling her things if she understands the disorder first. She acted better than i had expected about it, she was kind of a “ms. know it all” but was very tame about it, so that was good. My stepdad seemed interested, he was reading it while i was there, but he was already drunk by the time i got to thier house so i don’t know how much of that is true. We’ll see, but this book is really helping me, i love how its written, and the woman who wrote it, is bipoloar ….i really suggest it. I’m learning so much that i had been afraid to learn before….its call “Bipolar Disorder Demystified” and its written by Lana R. Castle. I guess i should go to bed, its midnight and i know right now if i don’t force myself to let the medicine take over and work i could stay up all night, and that makes work very diffucult. Good night to all.

Filed under: No More Egg Rolls on September 27th, 2005