When Enough is Enough

I’m becoming more bendable…..I don’t break like i fear i will from any little situation that strives to take me out. I’m not sure exactly when this happened or how….or if it will continue….but i like it. I still have a job, I still have my home, and I can still wake up in the morning to say that I fought another day. The goal of my day that remains the same is to make it through, is to not break down….not give in like i want to so much sometimes. It would be so easy to lay down and let the world roll over me in a stampede and crush to bits everything I worked so hard to put back together. There are days I have to talk myself out of getting up from my desk and getting in my car, driving home, crawling under the covers and wishing it all away. There are so many times I am out with people at the bar and get the feeling instantly that I need to run away. It creates so much anxiety, luckily i am still in a place where i can talk myself out of actually always running away from the world. When i do my laundry or clean, I feel as though i’ve conqured the world sometimes. To me, it is accomplishing the little things of everyday life that may seem normal to everyone else…..proud. Right now my goals are set low…right now i don’t want to push and expect too much of myself. It is not time. One day it will be, but not right now. This past week has been one of the most trying times i’ve had in a while…physically, mentally and emotionally. Family drama that threw my life upside down at four am on a work night……continuted all that day….into the next. I felt so much pain for my brother….. I felt selfish at some points, and then in a matter of a day I changed it all around to it being positive. I thought everything was over for both of us at first. Then by the end of the day i thought this is starting over for both of us…and will be the best thing. By the next morning…he left again, went back to her, and i was crushed. Absolutly crushed. She doesn’t treat him well, hes not happy, he can’t hang out with me or his friends without her walking out on him, i don’t understand …..but shes pregnant….they are engaged and thats the end of the story. She called me when i was on my way to work that morning and was yelling at me and saying that she didn’t like when my brother and i hang out ……this that and the other thing, i was soo angry, when we got off the phone, i cried and cried… out of anger and out of hurt, out of being exhausted out of everything that had been building up. I guess i feel stupid for thinking he was going to move in with me …and get away from her controlling attitude. I guess i feel stupid for going food shopping and cleaning out my second bedroom, making the bed in there and putting in a table from my living room so he would have something in there and not feel so sad. I guess i felt stupid for thinking i could make it better. I guess i feel selfish for wanting him to live with me…keep me company, i really was by the end of the day excited i wouldn’t be living alone anymore. Even though i tell everyone i love living alone, I think that half the time i am lying. But if i did live with someone, which i have before…..i would just hide in my bedroom. Whenever i get what i want, im not happy. If i don’t get what i want …i’m angry. I just feel like sometimes i can’t win. I can’t imagine what the people around me feel like. If i can’t keep myself happy how is someone else supposed to know how to keep me happy. Not that it is someone else’s job to make me happy, but one day they may say something to me and it be the right thing, the next day they may say the same thing and i will want to rip them limb from limb for it.
So that same day…i had to get a cat scan ….and drink that horrible nasty stuff they give you ….. I had the worst headache ever and i couldn’t take anything for it because you can’t eat or drink for 3 hours prior. So when i was in the parking lot about to go in for the test…i threw up all over the place all that stuff i had drank…my headache turned into a migraine and i began to cry, again, Luckily my good friend met me at the place and drove me home afterwards, I was in sooo much pain, i slept for a while when i got home, then cleaned the house so that he could move in, how foolish. So the next day (Thursay) I had a psyciatrist appointment after work, they put me on risperdal….i take it at night, its suppposed to keep me comfortable until my other medicine controls my moods properly. And keep my vivid daydreams to a minimum and let me be able to get to sleep without my rapid thoughts…so i took it last night and woke up super late today and felt really really drunk….minus the hangover symptoms….so i guess it will take some time to get used to …….i was on it before but i had been on soooo much medicine the last time a few years ago that i couldn’t tell what was working and what wasn’t…what made me feel sick and what didn’t. So i will keep trying it…i’m sure the drowsiness will wear off when i get used to it. I must say that i slept soooo well and it felt so good. Atleast tomorrow is saturday and i don’t have to be technically anywhere until 2 so, i will let myself sleep in even though i should be doing work or something of the sort. I don’t care im so tired…i have to work at 5pm at the restruant tomorrow anyway…i should sleep in.. I go to the conselor on monday to switch to the woman there that specializes in BPD, and she has more night hours…since i have to go once a week, and there is a group at night for BPD, i want to go to that very badly. I’m rambling anso d rambling, but it feels good, I can’t wait until i can talk to someone every week and get everything out. I also have to start writing here every day, no one has read it yet, so i guess it doesn’t matter if i ramble. I haven’t tried to get things out in a very long time…so my thoughts aren’t organized at all…i’ll get there i know it. nite nite world

Filed under: No More Egg Rolls on September 23rd, 2005