When Enough is Enough

Sometimes no matter how much you look inside of your self, answers elude you. You take time, you soul search, you do try and grow from the inside out. Alone. Without help. Why not, who knows you better than yourself. No one understands how you feel and no one can relate to the confusion, to the torment that plagues your everyday existence.

That has been my thinking for a very long time. Actually until very recently. That is what started this whole thing. I read someone’s online journal, and it changed my perception completly. Not until I could relate to what they had to say, to how they felt, to thier problems, could I fully understand what was happening inside of myself. I looked inward for the answers for so long…..I got lost within my own mind. Everything was backwards and frustrating, everytime I thought that I found the root of the problem, and thought that I was on the right track, somehow the track dissapeared right from under me. I found myself falling to places deeper than the time before. It was a vicious cycle. I couldn’t and didn’t trust anyone to be able to guide me.

Patience is far from what I posses this evening unfortunatly, so the beginning will have to come another day. I can’t focus, and I’m very irritated at well, nothing besides the air surrounding me. So maybe, venting is what needs to happen right now.

I’m BPD (Borderline Personalitly Disorder) and Bipolar. It’s a good time. Never ending battle. I’m not complaining because God knows it could be worse. But today, right now, I feel horrible and pessimistic. But I must say I’m better than I have ever been, even if my moods are worse. Because I know whats wrong with me. I am no longer thinking that i can just make this go away by wishing, I no longer wonder why I do the things I do , and have done for so long. Things on the whole make sense to me now……..But it doesn’t mean I’m cured just because I know my disorder. If only it could be that easy

Today is a bad day mood wise. Everything and everyone I come in contact with makes me angry. There is nothing i want to eat, although hungry, there is no music I want to listen to, although I would like to. No one I want to talk to, although don’t want to be alone. I’ve realized that not only other people not satisfy me when i’m like this, but I can’t satisfy myself either.

I just started going back to a psycatrist that I like, still trying to find a counselor. I started medicine again, um….15 days ago. I haven’t been on any medication for 3 years…hence nothing being stabalized. It will take some time to get up to the doseage I need to be at….But thats ok, just knowing that I am working to get there is enough. I don’t want to live like this anymore. I want a real life. I am tired of wondering how i will feel in a hour….I’m tired of when I’m happy feeling like I am fine and fixed and will always be happy. And I’m tired of when I’m angry or depressed, feeling like I will always feel that way. I’m tired of not being able to remember anything, good or bad. My memory is buried somewhere and I don’t even know where to begin to look for it. I’m tired of lashing out for no reason at the people I care about. I’m tired of not being able to have a relationship with a man because I’m either too clingy and they leave, or they are good to me and I leave.

I’m taking a stand. I will not live the rest of my life being held prisnor by a mental illness when there is something I can do about it. My doctor put it to me this way…..”There are little children that are born with diseases and go everyday to get thereapy, there are little kids that get in accidents and have to have physical therapy everyday, and they do it. Why can’t you? They suffer, they are in pain, and they are scared children. you’re no different. And you won’t get better or have a productive life if you don’t.”

He’s right. I can either be strong accept what is given to me, move forward and do whatever it takes, or I can feel sorry for myself and give my life away, accepting defeat. And that is not an option for me. I have been writing for years, And i very very very rarley let anyone read any of it………But I’ve decided, what good is that. How can I help anyone if i keep it all to myself.

My reason for this blog or whatever they are called (can you tell i’m new to this?) Is for 2 reasons. 1. To hopefully reach people, and let them hear my experiences so that they may know they are not alone. I don’t pretend to have any answers or cures or anything like that. All I have is what I have been through to share. 2. Is so that I may grow, so that I may get over my fear of people knowing how I feel. It is a very scary thing to me to put this out there for whoever to see. But it helps with acceptence…It makes me be OK with what is going on with me. That I have absolutley no reason to be ashamed of anything.

So please, if you would like, take this journey with me, take what you need out of anything I have to say….even if its one line that can make a difference in your life…please open your mind and let it do so. Also, I would like to learn from you as well…so if there is anything at all you would like to say…please do so. And if you found this site by accident and think its silly and would like to post something mean……I sugguest you do so, it is your opinion and you are entitled to it… but think first of why it matters that much to you. You could just as easily not read it and clicked on the back button. I mean no harm to anyone and don’t want to offend anyone. If I do or if I have ……please tell me.

Stay tuned……..

Filed under: No More Egg Rolls on September 15th, 2005