When Enough is Enough

So alot of the people that I have talk to that quit, say it is the hardest thing they’ve ever done. It feels that way to me. I have slipped up 2 days, not a whole pack just here and there on 2 different days. The thing of it is, I went to my psycatrist and he flipped out about me wearing the patch. He says it interacts badly with my medicine. I have been having a horribly rough mental time.

So i felt like it was all over for me and I had no chance of quitting now. But I keep trying. Im trying to stay positive. Trying. I feel like i’ve lost my motivation to quit. I do not want to let everyone down. That is why I have not smoked today or yesturday and am trying to make it everday. But the problem is right now, i don’t want to quit. Im not doing it for me. Atleast part of me doesn’t believe I am. I feel like my mind is playing tricks on me. I want just 1. I don’t want to be a smoker again. But i know from talking to people and things i have read that just one…leads to just a pack, and so on. I don’t know.

I feel very unstable mentally very angry and irriated. Panicky. All I can think about is smoking. Im also starting new medicine and have upped my other ones.. just to get me stable. So i don’t know now if the medicine is helping or not because im freaking out so badly over smoking. I figure why don’t i just smoke until i am stable on my medicine again. But then I tell myself thats a bad idea.

Mike’s family seems so proud of me. My friends do. I don’t want to let them down. And I certainly don’t feel like pissing Mike off.

He already recently has expressed his, i don’t know how to put it. But now I feel like I have to prove myself to him. Show him I can cook and clean all the time, and not smoke and have hobbies. I feel like Im trying to do better for the wrong reasons. Im tired, I feel like i should rest, I don’t want to feel bad about that. I walked on egg shells for a long time, and don’t feel like doing it anymore. Its not his fault or anyones else’s but mine.

I decided to write today about the smoking thing in hopes I would come to the realization that I don’t want to. And that I am still motivated somewhere in there. But sadly, that has not happened. I guess I’ll just try to wait it out as long as possible and hopefully when i go to bed tonight, i can be proud… i guess.

Filed under: Quitting Smoking on March 16th, 2008 | No Comments »

It seemed like a very long day while it was happening. Here I am 830 at night and I wish my day could just start over from now.

I had a pysciatrist appointment at 10am. I left the house at about 9 thinking I could stop at Wawa go to mac then get gas. Well my trip ended at Wawa. My car wouldn’t start back up. I was very very upset. I called Mike he told me to call his brother who is a mechanic. I was there for a while and now that wouldn’t be that bad of a place to be you’d think. It is safe, I am friendly with the people who work there… things like that. Well, I hadn’t had a nicotine patch on for 2 days at that point and did not have one with me. The urge to smoke was absolutly insane. Knowing that I was there at Wawa where I always bought them was torture. It took all my willpower not go go buy them and relieve some “broken down car stress”.

But I got the car home and that is where I stayed and although the minutes seemed like hours all day long because of the urge, I made it through the day without smoking!!!

Dave isn’t sure what is wrong with my car, could just need an oil change… *fingers crossed*.

I saw Amy tonight, Mike let me take his car up. It was a good session and made me feel good. I wasn’t going to make another appointment with her, but i did. Granted it isn’t until the end of the month. Figures just when we started talking about something really deep and important. Oh well, I can hang in there.

Now drinking wine with my babes having some cheese. Hopefully tonight will bring sleep, because the past bunches of them haven’t.

Take care all

Filed under: Daily Feelings on March 5th, 2008 | No Comments »

Well well well… It has been almost a year since i’ve blogged here. I had started writing in my diary again instead. Not sure what picking this back up will bring. Hopefully more of a variety of things then before.

I went back and re read some posts, very very depressing to me. I guess at that time, that is where my mind was. I’ve changed a bit since then. I know I had talked alot about wanting to change. It seems I have stopped talking about it and started doing it, naturally. I was trying to force something that couldn’t be forced. Yes it took work, and yes it is still taking work. Change is something I believe never stops. Whether it is for the good or for the bad.

I am sitting at the dining room table with my tea pot and cup of English Afternoon tea…. relaxing. I cleaned for a while then decided I was ready to write. The weekends seem to be the only time Mike and I have to ourselves. To do what we want. He has masons almost all the time at night during the week.

But Saturdays are my favorite. We have started a tradition about a month ago to go to the local Canals liquor store and do thier wine tasting. We love talking with the people there, very knowledgable and down the earth. We usually wind up splerging and buying a bottle or two for the rest of the evening. Then we come home taste test the wine, move on to an appetizer with chese and things to see what goes good with what. On to dinner to see what wine goes good with that. It is quite the event. Most importantly it is real quality time together doing and experienceing something we love. Wine and food…can’t really go wrong there.

Filed under: Daily Feelings, No More Egg Rolls on March 1st, 2008 | No Comments »

What do you do
When you’re all alone
I wonder how bear feels now
All alone
Do you think he feels the emptyness
Do you think his thoughts are bleak
Doesn’t look like it
Looks like hes just fine swimming all alone now in the tank
But I must say then when Goldie died he acted very weird for 2 days
Now day 3 and back to normal
What would it take for me to be able to bounce back that quickly
What does he have up there in his head
Do certain fish talk to thier owners
Are there “chosen” humans
Who the fish share thier infite wisdom of the mind body and soul
Maybe they have the amost amazing life they lead all in thier heads
Anything far better then we could imagine
And then they die
Depending on the fish, but most pet fishies die pretty fast
And when they grow, and you had expected them to die already but they didn’t how excited you were and it made you love them even more because you were so proud of them and thankful
Wow that last part took me back some
My dad
Everyday i would expect to wake up and find him dead, for years. And every day he didn’t was like a new day. I won’t lie near the end, i became less and less excited each scare. There were just too many in such a short period of time, hope diminished. Reality set in. And I well got scared. I distanced myself. I was a brat teenager. I feel like as much as i was there for him and loved him and tried, for most of the time i was a schmuck. Not mean to him, not like that. But i spent too much time away from the house. I spent alot of time with boyfriends. I worked 2 jobs. I was tired. I didn’t want to go take him out as much as he wanted to go out. I was drinking and smoking. I would go in my bedroom with a glass of wine, when dad and i rented that house, the last place we lived. and just be beside myself upset. Thinking how to get through it. When am i going to here about it, where am i going to be. Lots of things. There were a million reasons why i did the things i did. But i guess what im trying to say, and that yes i wish i spent more time with him, leasure time, not just taking care of him time. I Love him so much I tried I will always love him and he loved me and hes not mad at me and he is at peace and i can come to rest and let go of all the guilt that weighs so heavy on my heart.
HHHMMMM… i think i need to take a step back after that one, smoke a cigarette and calm myself.

Oh and just a little heads up, it may look like i don’t write in here often anymore, i just started doing alot of my blogs private

You know, i was soooooo miserable and sad today and whatever but now that im home alone, writing, did my nightly routine stuck in some laundry, i feel much better. This works alot better then anxiety medicine i can say that. We’ll talk about the fucked up part of that later. on to bigger and better things

So the plan for the night was to do a load of wash then go into bed fall asleep early the same way i did last night. and that will be that… i should eat. I will try but i don’t think its going to happen to be honest. its a shame, that steak wasted. I feel really bad actually. But I felt more badly over the fight. So that bad out weighed about the guilt of the food.

I think its a good thing i really don’t have anywhere to go when i want to run away. because i have to stop running!!! Whenever we get in what i consider a bad fight, i just want to get in my car and drive away. And thats bad. So im glad when i get all huffy and get dressed to leave i stop and think, hm…i have no where to go. I mean i do, but none where i would be comfortable. So i may as well be uncomfortable where i live and then work things out.

I don’t know. i really just don’t. My meds are all screwed up again, and it will take weeks to fix. I just don’t know. One minute up one minute down One minute poitive one minute negative just like this mental illness fourum board thing i found. The live chat either helps me so much, or it makes me feel like shit. hit or miss.

Filed under: No More Egg Rolls on May 1st, 2007 | No Comments »

well i don’t know what to say. Im miserable, everything is going to shit and its not getting better. Everytime it looks hopefull everything comes crashing down. Im trying to make it through everyday, mike and i got in a big fight last night, he can never see my point or give a fuck what i think. I was upstairs crying wouldn’t come down for dinner, and he just sat downstairs and ate and didn’t give a shit. We got in a fight again today over icq. He doesn’t feel good so he has no patience and im depressed so im emotional. So we’re butting heads i guess. But i think its more then that. Im tired of always being fucking wrong. Im tired of him never appologizing to me or caring that im upset. Im fucking tired of it and i told him, but it doesn’t matter he doesn’t listen or care or think hes doing anything wrong. So i guess it’ll never change and i need to get used to being miserable. I took too much anxiety medicine today, im hoping it calms me down, but doesn’t make me sick. I didn’t eat all day or night yesturday. I don’t want lunch today but mike is going to make me eat. I lied to my pysciatrist and told him i was taking the risperdal even though im not, now i have to call him after hours to tell him i was wrong and that i didn’t fill my script and forgot i wasn’t taking it. he did a blood test and would find out anyway now i have to cover my ass so it doesn’t look like i lied. My mother is a piece of shit and apparently according to Amy is the reason i have these abandonment issues. I have no desire to talk to her, she calls and texts but i won’t answer, i want nothing to do with her to be honest. My sister listens but all she says is she’ll pray for me, which i know is the right thing and what i need to be doing but its not enough. I feel like i can’t open up to my brother anymore cause i feel dumb. I can’t open up to mike cause he tells me to get over it or that im wrong for feeling that way. I have no one to really talk to. Vicki won’t answer her fucking phone or call me back, so i guess we’re not friends anymore. i do have mike now, he does listen to me and cares so thats good. and frank too. Mike has masons tonight, so i’ll be alone again. Im worrying and stressing about it now, but i guess i’ll be ok when i get home. I have to force myself to do atleast one load of laundry all of our clothes are dirty and mike is sick so he can’t do it. Even though all i want to do is lay on the couch and cry. Its the inital thing of him leaving that gets me im fine after a while but the separation part is what gets me. it kills me…and then i am ok. Amy said its cause my mom walked out on me when i was 8….then all the other stuff she did through the years. Makes sense i guess. Sucks for mike. Im trying so hard not to say anything about it. Today when we were in the beginning of fighting. He said he was going to the supermarket during lunch, i said i didn’t want to go because i couldn’t handle the extra anxiety today. And then i wrote im screwed whether i go or not. he said why i said because i miss you and want to be with you if i go i’ll have anxiety if i don’t i’ll be alone and upset. he said i had no reason to miss him we were together yesturday. Well lets break this down. I didn’t see him friday or saturday sunday we did spend together and it was nice. Monday i saw him at work until 12 then i got home at 630 we were together until 8 when we got in the major fight….. he came to bed after he was done eating and we watched a tv show then went to bed, hes going to be gone tonight. So yeah i miss him. So fucking what. Im never telling him that again, unless i don’t see him for days or something. But never again will he know that i miss him. And i will do my damndest to not miss him. Im fine alone, and have to realize the only reason i get upset when he leaves is cause of my past not because hes leaving. so i have to train my brain. But hes pushing me away. He doesn’t realize it and i didn’t tell him it, because im sure im pushing him away too. But i can’t take it when we fight he can never even just say that he sees the way im feeling and hes sorry im feeling that way. It has to be you’re wrong. I’ll have to have a talk with him about it when he gets better, and after i talk to amy about it on monday. I need her advice. Because its funny yesturday when i was with her she said atleast mike is not like your mom and listens to what you have to say. Well shes wrong, and i knew it, but i didn’t really dawn on me how wrong she was. Granted here and there its not like that, but for the most part it is. im tired for applogizing when i don’t feel i did something wrong, its even worse when i feel like he did something hurtful to me. I guess timing is everything. I’ll just be the good little happy girl who keeps her mouth shut, has no anxiety no feelings, just go about my business so i don’t upset anyone. and maybe in doing that i’ll belive it myself and pull myself out of this depression or whatever it is. i know my meds aren’t right considering im not even taking one of them. I just hope my doctor doesn’t drop me. fuck it, if he does i’ll get a new one. The most important thing is for me to stay focused and calm and collected at work, can’t afford to loose this job. Lovely world of hanging by a thread doing everything im not supposed to be doing yet expecting to be fine. Gatta love it. i blame myself for alot. Not just other people. but i really am trying. Im trying to be happy and do the things i want to do and still be stable. Maybe im fooling myself and that can’t happen. But once again i feel like im dying on the inside. Theres no pill for that. No anything for that except time. God i wish my daddy were here. oh shit can’t start thinking about that or i’ll cry bad topic bad topic. Oh well i guess i vented enough for now.

Filed under: No More Egg Rolls on May 1st, 2007 | No Comments »

So i have decided that this weekend is going to be full of ups and downs, decisions and indecision. I went on the bpd fourm, i forget the name of it, and it made me feel better. So then i talked to the girl at work and she asked me to come have some drinks and crash there. That sounded good, so i started feeling even better. Car ride home i was confident and thinking i can get through this i’ll be fine, thinking of plans to go places and have people over. And a brief thought came into my mind while driving home, i had left mike a note on the kitchen table this morning. and when we were in the beginning of dating when i would fall asleep he would cover my apartment in cute lovey sticky notes…….. and my thought was i wonder if he wrote one back. But i forced myself not to dwell because i didn’t want to get excited there would be and get my hopes up and then there be nothing. So i got home looked all over, and there was nothing. I was upset but not as much as i would of been if i had gotten my hopes up. Its just one of those things. Im proud it didnt really effect me. i mean sure, i wish he would of that would of totally made me soooooo happy. But oh well, he was busy this morning im sure and didn’t think it would be that important. So now im here and thinking, i’ve made a few phone calls to people, have some ideas, now i will take it one step at a time. Make a decision about what to do when the moment comes, because i really don’t know how i’ll feel when the situation arises that i have to be with people or not. Because well bowling tonight i definitly have to go to and will. But i mean after that, all saturday and saturday night, and most of sunday. Im going to fight for my optimism and muster all the stregnth i have to make this not as horrible as it could be. This is a big test. Because I can’t be this way forever. I wouldn’t be able to take that. Or would anyone else. I can not let myself be this dependent on mike. I just can’t. I can’t have this fear he’s going to break up with me cause hes gone or something.

Filed under: No More Egg Rolls on April 28th, 2007 | No Comments »

Im trying so hard not to cry. I don’t know what im going to do when i go home and the house is empty. I don’t know. Im so scared and sad and i can’t even tell him, it wouldn’t be fair to him. I don’t want to eat i don’t want to go bowling i just want to hide all weekend. I thought i wanted company but now i know i don’t. I just want to be alone, stay on the couch till he gets home. I can’t function without him what is the matter with me. This is ridiculous. I need so bad to tell him, but i know that would be wrong. I have to control myself, it won’t change anything, the only thing it will do is upset him. And i don’t want that. I want him to have fun and be ok and not have to worry about me. OMG this is so hard. i hope we get to go home early…. that way i can cry if i want i don’t have to sit here and pretend im not hurting deeply inside. Im trying to call my sister, i did before but she didn’t answer…i hope she does. but no. oh well. Shit. i need to be in his arms like last night…. i need that right now. im crying fuck, that goodness the bosses are out to lunch. I can’t miss bowling tonight, its mandatory we pay for the rest of the weeks upfront tonight. plus theres only 3 weeks left. but shit i don’t want to go. what the hell am i going to do. seriously. i can’t be at work right now, i really can’t be i need to be at home curled up. It doesn’t help the fucking radio is on and playing sad songs and shit. Its horrible, i can’t catch a break. I need to tell him that i need him, i really really really really need to say something but i can’t. Theres no one i can tell, i just have to suck it up, get over my fear of not wanting to be without him all of a sudden somehow, and be ok and just be. But i know that sounds good in theroy, but if i could do that, i would of already. I can’t stand it when hes gone for a couple of hours, how am i going to last till late sunday. My heart is breaking. I feel lost. I feel sooooooooooooo alone. I feel like im loosing him. I feel like hes never coming back, i feel like hes not even going to miss me. I feel trapped. This fucking blows. Oh well right. i have no choice but to be ok, well thats not true, i mean whats the worst that could happen i’ll be severlly depressed, but im not going to die, unless he doesn’t come back, then i might. but i won’t think about that. he’ll come back, he has to. my brother called. that didn’t really help me, i didn’t say anything about how i was feeling. I don’t know why. I guess im embarassed. no 24 year old should be acting like this. i really need to get the fuck out of here as soon as possible. i have a feeling since the main boss is still here, and they went to lunch, that we’re not going to get to leave early. i wonder if an anxiety pill will help. I don’t know if its anxiety though, or just deep sadness, maybe both? I don’t fucking know. What can i say to him, that won’t show how im feeling. im calling him, i want to hear his voice. great i started crying as soon as he said hi. he said we’ll get through this. thats easy for him to say, he doesn’t mind being away from me. And he’ll be with people and doing things and shit. Where will i be. Here in complete torture.

Filed under: No More Egg Rolls on April 27th, 2007 | No Comments »

How am i going to get through this weekend im already thinking so irrationaly. Im scared.

Filed under: No More Egg Rolls on April 27th, 2007 | No Comments »

Oh and my fish died this morning Sun… my favorite one poop

Filed under: No More Egg Rolls on April 26th, 2007 | No Comments »

The mason thing in AC was good but i think i have the after vacation blues. My stomach is all messed up too. Last week i was soooo hyper and had racing thoughts, this week im really down. hmm… i have to get that blood work done asap. Im at work now, bored out of my mind, i can concentrate, but im just so bored. Des isn’t here so im siting out here alone. I have a feeling this is going to be the longest day ever. And my mind is also on the fact that im going to be alone all weekend. I’ll have bowling friday, and maybe des on sunday. I don’t know. I just don’t want to go to bed alone and wake up alone, i think it will really upset me. I still have no desire to talk to my mom. I think she did keep some of the money, but its not just that, i just don’t want to talk to her at all. I don’t know what to do with myself today. I guess i’ll get back to work.

Filed under: No More Egg Rolls on April 26th, 2007 | No Comments »